Crossroads

Here I stand at the crossroads
under the pouring rain
what others have forgotten
I remember everyday

The world moves on without me
while I stand in the same place
these crossroads give me hope
to someday see your face


In another skin
in another dream
if just ...
for one more day

If but in a memory
of a love we once shared
let me keep you alive
until I'm nearly there

Until I'm ready
to set you free
even if it hurts
after all... me

Watch you fly away
let you go, wait and see
if you come back to these crossroads
one sunny day ... for me


 © 2011 Ellie Kings
In loving memory of my one true Love
Dec 20th 2009


Digital Photography by Zoe Marlowe

If I were a Mother

I'll never be a mother to anyone
I won't get to see the ultrasound photo
I won't get to feel him growing inside
I won't know how it feels
to push him into this world

If I were a mother
I'd love him unconditionally
Knowing that he'll make mistakes
That it wouldn't matter to me
because after all he'd be my child



If I were a mother
I'd teach him the things I learned
I'd teach him to be a gentleman to a lady
I'd teach him to be an honest & faithful man
To know when to let his guard down
and let love in

If I were a mother
I'd know his weaknesses and his strengths
I'd give him security and shelter
I'd let him know that he could run to me
whenever he lost his way

If I were a mother
I'd teach him to be a wonderful man
But I won't be a mother
not to him or to her
They'll be a someone else's child
They'll be someone else's gift

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by Nancy Tillman

Just One More Day

There are times when I think back on what I had and wish I could relive those moments again. I think of him walking through the front door, giving me kisses and hugs, making me feel like a queen, as if he worshipped the ground I walked on.

I think of all those mornings I'd wake up and there he was, lying next to me with a smile... quietly tracing my face. I realized then he had watched over me as I slept, making me feel safe. As if all the monsters in my nightmares were fought off with his sweet love.

I wish I could turn back time and extend those seconds with him. Moments that were just for us. The alone moments, the together moments, the sweet nothing moments, the long walk moments, the deep talk moments. All those little, and yet monumental moments that are now priceless. Seconds, minutes, hours... wonderful memories that today I wouldn't trade for a million dollars.

It's amazing how little we cherish those moments when we do have them.

If I could have one day filled with all those precious moments... I'd be happy... even if it was for just -one more day.


© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by Joey Remmers

Dear God

Dear Abba
i have no where to hide
no where to run
but inside
the palm of your hand
the only place i feel safe
where the world is quiet
where each breath i take
is exhaled  by you



Abba
i feel lost
and i wanted to tell you
in case you hadn't noticed
maybe you were too busy
to hear your daughter's cry

Dear Adonai
have you left me
today i cannot find you
even though i've tried
come back, be near me
and stay with me awhile
i'm not strong enough Adonai
to face another day
to win another battle
to wear this heavy coat

Abba
can you hear me
from the throne you're in
or are you too far away
i just wanted to tell you
i need you more than ever
i can't do this on my own
please don't leave me today
stay with me until tomorrow

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art in google images

Me Isn't Here Anymore

I don't recognize Me
Me isn't here anymore
not in the house
not in the mirror
not in the inside of my soul



before the mirror
I only see
a stranger that replaced Me

I wish I could tell her to leave
that I don't need her anymore
her presence makes me uncomfortable
I wish she walked out the door

but she doesn't want to leave
she taunts me everyday
she makes me sad
she makes me angry
she takes my smile away

she robs me of the laughter
I had long ago
she steals my peace
she steals my grace
she stole who I was before

someday I will say to her
exactly what she needs to know
that I hate who she has made Me
that she's not welcomed anymore

that tomorrow will be the day
when she finally walks out the door
then I'll look in the mirror
I will see Me once more

and Me will be ... Beautiful


© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by James Knowles

To Conquer Somewhere Else

my tongue is tied, I cannot speak
but if I could, I'd surely scream
out to the four winds... why?
why did you take him from my life?
before I got the chance to say
all my heart needed to say
that nothing else mattered more
than the love we had for each other

I didn't get to say goodbye
that word wasn't alive in our lives
I wonder did I show him love
did he know where my heart belong
did he know he didn't have to buy my heart
I'd hand it over free of charge
carefully, I'd cut it out
and tell him, "Love, here's my heart"
knowing him, he'd ask "why me?"
because he's the one God chose for me
because his flaws my eyes didn't see
for in them love runs wild and free

I'd tell him, I love you more
just the way you truly are
full of unconditional love
going the distance for my hugs
taking snapshots of my smiles
traveling the extra mile

I learned much from his walk
he taught me to stand strong and tall
he said, "get back up when you fall"
he said, "forgiveness tears down walls"
he was a soldier all the way
his armor tailored by God's hands
He took him home on that day
so he could conquer somewhere else


© 2010 Ellie Kings
Art by Jeff Haynie

When is Life Unjust?

When does life become unjust?

When you pray for a happy childhood- but hurt all the way. When you wait all your life to meet Prince Charming- and once you find him- you lose him. again and again. When you wait to wear the white dress- to only get the rug pulled from under. When you pray to have children- to only be called infertile.

At what point does life become unjust? When is it too late to be happy? Is it ever too soon? Should you expect the worst, in order, to hope for the best?

At what point do you block the last punch? When you're down, do you get back up and keep fighting? What do you do when you know your opponent is stronger? Life can hit you where it hurts- again and again. When does it become unjust? Is enough ever enough? 

 There are so many why's in life but never enough answers. Today we hope for a better tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow never gets here. Or sometimes, your life is shorten without accomplishing all you set out to do. Or sometimes, the life you set out to live takes you down a dark road with no exit. Do you stay in the dark or walk back into the light? Do you hang up the gloves or continue to fight?

As much as I've been hurt in life, life itself continues to push me to fight. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I do know I'll wait until tomorrow to find out. Because 'why worry about tomorrow, when today brings with it its own burden'? We know that 'It rains on the just as well as the unjust'.  That alone should be our warning. So when life pushes you, do yourself the favor and push back. What other choice do you have? 

When does life become unjust? If we stop asking, we might just get answers.

© 2011 Ellie Kings Art: The Boxer by Leffler Studio

The Girl who Lost Her Voice

there once was a little girl who lost her voice...

she searched for it in the oceans
she searched for it in the rivers
she searched above mountains
and through low valleys
but she couldn't find her voice
the little girl was lost in the forest of despair
and went searching for help
she spoke with a man and asked if he had seen her voice
but the man replied, "only you could find it"

she spoke to a woman

then a boy and a girl
but they all replied, "only you could find it"
the little girl walked back home in tears
because she couldn't find her voice
and with every step came a deeper sigh
'if only i could find it, i'd never let it go'
was all she cried

she climbed the stairs, opened the front door
sat on the chair, hands on her face
when she finally wiped her tears
she looked up and saw her voice

it was there,
just where she left it
it had been Home
all along


©2011 Ellie Kings
Art by Morteza Katouzian

Just One Word

How do you say what you need to say, when you can't find the words to say?

Today, is a hard day for me. Not because it's a special day but because it isn't. It's not an anniversary or a birthday or even a holiday (that I can think of). It's just another day. Another day without him. What do you say when you need to say so much, but nothing and everything seems to weigh on your heart?

Yet I write...

I write because I have to push myself to say ... something. Even if it's nothing. I write because the words are there, but I have to pull them slowly from inside- as if they're hanging at the end of a rope, hidden inside my heart (or mind) and it takes all of my strength to rescue them. Because I don't want them to die. Because I love words. They say so much. To think, that just one word can say much more than one can ever dream of.

Think of it. Think of one word. And then think of all the stories you can create with just that one word. Today, I think of "peace". Tomorrow - "hope". The day after that- "dream". There are so many beautiful words in the world. All I have to do is think of one. Each day. Every day. And just maybe, I'll be able to make stories out of all the beautiful words that I've been privileged in knowing. One day, I'll be able to open the door to a world of possibilities.

Today, I might just have only one word that I can think of, but tomorrow, that one word will be a story that will be written on the pages of a book.

Someday...


Other Links to follow:
Alone without My Words
Rescuing the Words

   

© 2011 Ellie Kings

Art: Forced Emotion by Lizzie Prusaczyk

A Lesson from Ant

essContinuing the lesson from Wednesday's post, I'm allowing God to heal me through Nature.

An army of ants worked all throughout the day, traveling back and forth to get pieces of food to take back to their colony. They're so tiny, yet the wisdom they possess amazes me. They work together, united strong, so that in the end- none of them should want for nothing.

I smiled watching two of them communicate with each other, as they carried their food. The piece of meal that seemed like a speck to me was apparently too heavy for one of them to carry, so she asked for help. I could just imagine their chat, "Hey, you think you could help me carry this, it's too much for me to bear."  "Sure thing, no problem." Amazingly, I watched as the other one helped her carry the tiny piece of bread, at least, I thought it looked like bread.

Just like Spider (Wednesday's post), I've also learned from Ant. She wasn't too proud to ask for help when she was carrying a load twice her size. She struggled at first on her own, but then realized she couldn't do it on her own. Ant could've said it one of two ways; calmly "I need help with this load, could you do me the favor and lend a hand?" or wailing, "Please, help me! I really can't carry this one on my own. I need help!" 

But what if she hadn't asked for help, what would've happened? I'm no expert on ants. Maybe, another would've helped voluntarily but on the other hand, would she have been stuck there on her own? 

I admire Ant. She and her friends are no more different than us. We, too, carry a heavy load on a daily basis. The question is, are we too proud to ask for help when we need it? Do we wait there with a bleeding heart until someone volunteers to help along the way?

Take a moment to reflect upon all that you carry and ask yourself if you need help. Then ask your family or a good friend. Sometimes they might surprise you.  I'll admit that when I lost my other half, the last thing I wanted was someone to help. All I wanted was him. I wanted to bury myself in his clothes, his things, his love. But that wouldn't have been healthy for me, so like Ant I finally screamed, "I need help! I really can't do this on my own."

And I got the help from my family as well, as from you. I just wanted to say, thanks again for being there and for being the ear to a voice that's trying to come back to me.

If I haven't said it lately, I really do love having you all as my friends.

Apparently, God thinks Ant is important too.
"Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." Proverbs 6: 6-8
{a little harsh, but a powerful message}


© 2010 Ellie Kings
Italics from my Journal

Art in Google images

A Lesson from Spider

For a few weeks now, I've been keeping a close eye on a small spider that builds her home outside on the porch. It uses the plants that are hanging above the railing to construct her home, connecting her web from one plant to the other. I noticed her the more when my younger brother and his wife watched as she weaved her web one night.

Spider is brilliant and all so very patient. The heavy rains and loud wind have knocked down her beautiful home many times, but she continues to rebuild it. I'm learning a valuable lesson from Spider and her untouchable patience.

Hurricane Earl hit this week and it brought with it storms of rain and furious winds, though it didn't do too much damage. I'm getting used to the rain. It seems it rains even in my dreams.

I enjoy Puerto Rico. My heart feels less heavy here, besides it's nice to be on an island that keeps well-guarded the secret of the Rain dancing around the Sun.

Hurricane Earl came close- the next morning there were branches everywhere; the trees were wet and droopy. The winds blew the tarp above the aluminum table into the bushes of the garden. The dogs barked through the night, a little more than usual. But their bark was also blown with the wind.

It was a rough night, not only for the animals in the barn but for me, as well. Amazingly, indoors was very quiet. The electricity was out. And in the silence of the night, I could hear a mosquito flying around in my room; at least I thought it was a mosquito. One can never tell with so many little critters that roam the night, including spiders. But I've especially grown fond of this spider.

A few days later, after the hurricane passed, I remembered Spider. I thought for sure she and her home were washed away with the storm. But I was wrong. I don't know where she hid or how she survived, but I do know one thing, she was still alive.

I had just stepped outside to welcome the evening splendor. The sky wore a stunning pink and blue dress. It was absolutely breath-taking. As I sipped my afternoon coffee, my eyes scanned the green of the mountain tops in all their glory, when I saw her- my tiny Spider, my inspiration, my little hope.

As fragile as she seems, Spider has taught me a most needed lesson in life. She's small but tough and hard-working. She never gives up or loses hope, even when storms and hurricanes hit and destroy her home. She hides when she needs to take cover, but faces the day after the storm. She pursues her dream of having a good home, even if she has to rebuild it over and over again. And when she does rebuild, Spider builds it even bigger than the last. Once she's done, it's no longer a house but a mansion. I watched her weaving her web endlessly and never stopped until she was completely finished. Wow! Now that's an impressive lesson.

I should walk with Spider more often, be more like her, keep rebuilding again and again when the storms of life tear down my home and wash it away. I should hold onto my faith, hide when I need to take cover and face the day after the storm. My next home will surely be bigger than the last, God willing.




© 2010 Ellie Kings
Excerpt from my Journal

Art 'Spider Fairy' by the talented Ria Spencer. Please visit her blog to see more amazing paintings.
 Ria's Fine Art Studio

Sunshine in the Dark

This New Year has brought with it a mix of emotions; a new hope, a breath of air, a ray of sunshine. I miss my sweetheart, though somehow I feel comforted; most days anyway. Everyday I convince myself that he really is gone, that I have to learn to live again, and learn to smile once more.


I never imagined a world without him, and since he left, my life hasn't been the same. Who's going to finish my sentences and read my thoughts? Who's going to bring me coffee in the mornings or take care of me when I'm sick? Who's going to make me laugh when I'm sad or make me cry with a birthday card? Who's going to hug me while I'm doing the dishes or give me morning kisses? Who's going to motivate me to continue writing or listen to my new song?


His nurturing love was priceless. His contagious laugh was unforgettable. His old soul was unique. I shall never forget him or the way he made me feel, truly loved.


This New Year I dedicate it to him. I vow to remember who he was as a human being and as my best friend. I vow to do what I must do to continue the fight and learn to live with purpose. I vow to allow God to continue doing what He does best, make miracles. Because it's going to take a miracle to heal from this one.


I want to thank each one of you who have kept in touch this past year, who have taken a moment from busy schedules to let me know you care. Thank you for your sweet words and cyber hugs. I want to thank my family and friends for encouraging me, for crying with me and for reminding me that I'm still needed here. I want to thank my Daddy, God, for staying close to me, holding my hand and gently leading me out of the dark.

God bless you all dearly,

Ellie

PS. If I should sound morbid at any given time, please remind me of my vows.