Monday, December 14, 2009

Stop Beating

(This is a slow to fast beat piece)

Still alive…
Still my heart is beating; even though there are times when I wish it would just stop!
Stop beating… I tell my heart 
Stop beating, I want to be with my God
Stop beating, help me stop hurting 
Stop beating, help me stop crying
Stop beating, so there’s no pain- no more feeling
Only numbness left behind

The sleep of peace is all I ask for
Did you hear me, old foolish heart of mine?

Stop beating, I say to you my ruthless heart; don’t you see I’m tired of crying out
Stop beating you blood-thirsty heart surrounded by vessels and walls of tissue to protect you from the harms and pains this body endures
Stop beating, I tell this wicked heart of mine who disobeys, strays away, grows rebellious and justifies itself with the “I-am-in-control-of-this-body”…
Knowing if it wasn’t for its pumping-thumping-pounding… this body would crash and cave in

Stop beating, I tell this crazy heart of mine who wants to disobey my voice and do not my will, but God’s
Stop beating, so I could lay my head and never wake to the light of a new day
Stop beating, so I don’t have to go through the daily motions of where I’ve been, where I am headed and what the future brings

Collapse, you selfish heart!
Thinking you’re in control of my life
Thinking you’re going to keep me alive...
When all I want to do is forsake this skin and die!

Why should I live in a world that is out of control?
Suffering the pains of past mistakes and failures
Fighting the could’ve, should’ve battles

This monster of a heart grows in me like Goliath, who will not quit but fight
Thinking in the end, he will win the war
You see just like Goliath you’ll be defeated, in the end you’ll die
 I can’t wait for that day when you’re hit against the head and fall to your destruction

But you tell me that time is on your side…That the moment hasn’t come for you to stop pounding
That the choice is not yours
You have a higher Master who started your ticking and gave you a time to stop
You say He told you not to quit or stop breathing even if I pleaded you to stop
Even if you heard my cries, like an echo carried through pulses of veins, screaming out …

I beg you to stop! For I can’t bear the pain
I beg you stop! For I can’t see in darkness
I beg you…please stop! There’s nothing to live for
Stop beating! I command you… let me go in peace
Stop beating … let me rest from the troubles of this world
Don’t you know? My time is up; this life is much too long
Please let me go be with my God

If you should hear such a cry, oh convoluted heart of mine
Why don’t we make a bargain and you just let me die!

But your response is not to my surprise
You tell me that Your Master sends messages traveling through my veins
It’s the blood you tell me… It’s His blood that runs to me…
Roaming through your body, going straight to what you call me…heart
You see I cannot listen, even in your begging; for there are things
you must endure, in spite of all the pain

It’s through much suffering and tears that you come close to God
So don’t ask me to stop beating, for HE commands me to remember that specific time
When He made you, He hovered over me and whispered a set date and time
When I was to stop ticking and thumping and pumping the blood of the One who chose to die…
Not from all your suffering but because He himself became the Bruised
Through grief, He wrapped himself in the entire affliction and oppression of the world
and took it to his death so that you may now continue living

You see, I cannot stop beating because I hold in memory your time just like I held His time of death
But you and I both know that He was special so I had to start pumping up again
And if I were to tell you this, said the heart to me, you’d probably think it crazy
I am only the pump that beats in the cavity of your chest and keeps your physical body alive
The real element here, holding the seat to your emotions…the root of all your sorrows;
Your pain, anger and frustration; your hurt, misery, and tears… is actually the Mind!
Where all of your memories remain…the thing that haunts you and feeds you fear

So if you’re looking for someone to blame or a solution to your problem
don’t order me to stop beating but give command to your mind to stop thinking!
For the heart of man is deceiving, who can know it says the Lord
Think how it can be possible for the heart to be deceiving when it doesn’t have a brain of its own 
So I say again… speak to your mind and tell it to die from all the past pains you’ve endured
so that we may both live together and do the work of the Lord…

You see, you are not finished yet! I keep hearing God say to you
For when your destiny is complete…your heart and mind will know the truth
To stop ticking like a clock that has served its purpose and lived the span of its lifetime
They’ll both say to you … No more!
The hands of the clock will no longer tell time, they will never give the hour passed your counted days, weeks, months or years to come… for your time on Earth has ended

But until that time arrives and God, Himself gives word
Learn to live … and please sing me a new song, for I am sick of your request
Tell me that you are happy and full of greater joy… smile at me on this day and the next
Say I, your Heart to thee…for I have not stopped beating… like you once ordered me!

Copyright © 2003 Ellie Kings

Note: This Spoken Word piece birthed out from the darkness I spoke of in my last post.  Please excuse grammatical errors.  It’s merely for the benefit of my performance. Also, Blogger gave me difficulties getting it to look the way it should.
Art by Madalina Iordache


Wine and Words said...

What an outpouring, poor dear. I feel this often, this desire to be done with life and sit in the lap of my Father. But it is a selfish thought I'll wager. God will take me home when I'm no longer needed here, so though I tire, it is not time to rest. *sigh*. I feel ya. Wishing you peace and contentment.

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

It's beautiful and heartwrenching at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing it, Ellie. You are very talented.

Anonymous said...

This was a little hard to read. I have been here many times. But as long as your heart continues to beat you must go on... no matter how much it hurts.

Tamika: said...

You have a powerful way with words. Linking tragedy with hope.

Thanks Ellie for sharing your gift!

Wendy @ All in a Day's Thought said...

I echo Tamika's word...powerful.

I gave you a musical award on my blog today. Thanks for shining your light.
~ Wendy

Katie Ganshert said...

I wish I could hear you perform it live. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

Aubrie said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog! I read The shack last summer. It was a well written book that answered a lot of questions for me.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Ellie Kings,

I do apologize. I didn't realize I might be interrupting performance art. Please excuse me.

Don't worry about Kieslowski. He will probably be very boring; he mostly asked whether people have any answers at all or whether God personally intervenes into people's lives to change them. Not that I disagree or agree. I don't know. But people like ourselves who have been abused tend to get emotional about things & make assumptions. I know I do. I'm probably doing it right now. You see, it's all about trying to figure things out & why they happened. Anyway, it's possible that I may have caught you at the wrong time. Have a very good day.

I remain, &c.
Alexander Dyle

V. S said...

That was beautiful. Let your heart continue to beat, you have plenty of talent Ms. Ellie Kings. Do not forget that, ever.

Lily Robinson said...

Learning to live when the mind would rather die... all things are possible! And only God knows His time.

dianne said...

Ellie dear do not wish your heart to stop beating it is painful and not the answer to your earthly struggles and pain..we all have to learn how to cope with and survive with those who hurt us and live our life in the best way we can...
Your heart is not ruthless, take care of it, you are very young and you have so much living to do.
Your time will come, the sleep of peace and the numbness you wish for is forever. ♡

MCJArt said...

Ellie ~

In French we say 'ouf' ~

Wonderful ~

Thank you ~

~ MCJ ~

amrul said...

hi my.. friends... i'm here. :)

Jill Kemerer said...

Honest, raw, and amazing. Thanks.

Susan R. Mills said...

Beautiful despite the difficulties blogger threw in your way.

Anonymous said...

I have felt this way before and asked myself.. who am I to ask for such a thing... would that not make me selfish? *sighs* then I relize I'm only human and its natural to want this.
truly beautiful

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Katie~ Believe me, this kind of spoken word poetry never sounds the same read as being in a live performance. The energy is crazy! (Comment reposted-I think I made sense now:)

T. Anne said...

I can feel the angst as though I heard you sing it. SO beautiful and raw. Thank you for sharing.

Jenny Stevning said...

"Stop beating, so I could lay my head and never wake to the light of a new day." I lived that for a long time. Dark. Painful. Lonely. You write of it so beautifully. Thank you for sharing it! It is a reminder to me of how far I have come.

Lesley said...

God gave you an extra strong heart, Ellie. Thanks for sharing it with us.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks dear friends for leaving behind your thoughts, insight, and kind words. This piece will never sound the same as when it's voiced. Guess, that's why they call it spoken word. But I hope you got the gist of it. Be 'seeing' you all!
Much love...

Betty said...

Love your writing!Ellie. It has been an ispiration to me! I say to my heart, don't stop beating!
Thanks for your comments
hugs hugs

sunshine said...

Thanks so much for stopping by my place and leaving a comment.
You're so sweet! :)

I'll be back later to read some of your blog. (kids are starting to come in from school)...


V. S said...

Ellie dear, you have been tagged!

Maha said...

Hey Ellie, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment
You have a very beautiful blog in here. Your writing is just amazing!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Great! Thanks Victoria, really, thanks. ;)

Tabitha Bird said...

Magic Ellie, magic in words, So beautiful. thank you. :)

Alexandra Garland said...

It was painful to read... I'm sending prayers your way. Listen to Him and as you said, "Learn to live"...
Very thought provoking post,
Thank you!

Matthew said...

Beautiful, words I can relate to in every way. I am glad you endure :)

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks again to all of you. When I wrote this in 2003, I felt every word. That kind of pain I would never want to relive, nor would I wish it on my worst enemy. Love you guys! Sending happy thoughts!

K.M. Weiland said...

Achingly beautiful. And your picture choice is amazing.

Tamika: said...

Ellie, I tagged you over at my place!

Heavenly Muse said...

''The sleep of peace is all I ask for''...sometimes we cant help asking such thing....just peacefull sleep

Wild Rose said...

Wishing you all the best in your future and lovely blog. The poetry is well written.