The Beating of my Heart

My poor Heart took a hard beating
Out in the winter cold
Surprisingly, he held onto dear life
He lay there bleeding in the wet snow
As I ran to lift him up
I heard him slow his beat
I thought for sure he wouldn't survive
From all the bruises and the hurt



He was rushed to Intensive care
Barely alive, but he survived
Unfortunately, he stayed in a deep sleep

In that coma God softly took his time to heal him
He didn't rush things because he knew my poor Heart needed time
Time to think of every moment he was happy
Time to reflect on all the heartaches he had lived through
Time to consider how far the journey had been
Time to appreciate the Love he had found

While my Heart lay there more than two years
Many thought he would never wake up
But they were wrong

One night when all was quiet
and the nurses were busy making rounds
My Heart slowly opened his eyes
Looking more peaceful than ever
He didn't ask how did he get there
He didn't ask how long he'd been sleeping
He simply asked, 'where is my Love?'

As I sat next to my poor Heart
I held his hand and dried his tears
I said, 'I'm sorry Heart, but Love died'
Confused he looked at me and smiled
'No it didn't; it just left for a little while
My Love will be back soon and I'll be patiently waiting'
I didn't argue with my Heart
After all, who better than him to know Love best

© July 2012 Ellie Kings

Painting: You still Live on in Us by Shawna Erback

To Conquer Somewhere Else

my tongue is tied, I cannot speak
but if I could, I'd surely scream
out to the four winds... why?
why did you take him from my life?
before I got the chance to say
all my heart needed to say
that nothing else mattered more
than the love we had for each other

I didn't get to say goodbye
that word wasn't alive in our lives
I wonder did I show him love
did he know where my heart belong
did he know he didn't have to buy my heart
I'd hand it over free of charge
carefully, I'd cut it out
and tell him, "Love, here's my heart"
knowing him, he'd ask "why me?"
because he's the one God chose for me
because his flaws my eyes didn't see
for in them love runs wild and free

I'd tell him, I love you more
just the way you truly are
full of unconditional love
going the distance for my hugs
taking snapshots of my smiles
traveling the extra mile

I learned much from his walk
he taught me to stand strong and tall
he said, "get back up when you fall"
he said, "forgiveness tears down walls"
he was a soldier all the way
his armor tailored by God's hands
He took him home on that day
so he could conquer somewhere else


© 2010 Ellie Kings
Art by Jeff Haynie

Love's Death

sometimes it's hard to breathe

why can't i just break free?

be all alone and cry

'till the last tear has dried

until my heart feels less heavy

'till my chest doesn't hurt

until the waters have washed

the fear of being cursed

... of never being happy

of losing all my hope

of needing and not having

of loving and what for?

i know God isn't cruel

but this feels cruel to me 

maybe it's a joke 

and the joke is on me

Love's death is surreal

he isn't going to return

he's really gone forever

and forever seems too long

Love forgot to say goodbye

as I remain waiting

he went missing through the night

and i didn't even know it

wasn't he among friends?

who was his enemy?

who swiped his life away

and caved a hole this deep

Love took his last breath

as he lay there bleeding

and written in his blood

was the love of God and me

you're free, my sweet Love

don't worry about me

God will sit by my bed 

until i've fallen asleep

until i've stopped humming our song

'till i've stepped into my dreams

when you're alive again

when you're alive with me

where your death is the dream

and the dream is what's real

when you're no longer asleep

and your heartbeat i hear

let me stay here, sweet Love

for a little while longer

let me sing to you again

and hold you in my arms

show you that i love you

see your eyes once more

tell you that i've missed you

that your death is all wrong

...come back... don't leave

i can't wake up now

to the light and the truth 

that my Love is truly gone

let me stay here in your world

where the wind blows free

in our garden of white roses

let's relive our memories

by Ellie Kings

copyright May 2010

art by Allyson Ricketts

Stop Beating

(This is a slow to fast beat piece)


Still alive…

Still my heart is beating; even though there are times when I wish it would just stop!

Stop beating… I tell my heart 

Stop beating, I want to be with my God

Stop beating, help me stop hurting 

Stop beating, help me stop crying

Stop beating, so there’s no pain- no more feeling

Only numbness left behind

The sleep of peace is all I ask for

Did you hear me, old foolish heart of mine?

Stop beating, I say to you my ruthless heart; don’t you see I’m tired of crying out

Stop beating you blood-thirsty heart surrounded by vessels and walls of tissue to protect you from the harms and pains this body endures

Stop beating, I tell this wicked heart of mine who disobeys, strays away, grows rebellious and justifies itself with the “I-am-in-control-of-this-body”…

Knowing if it wasn’t for its pumping-thumping-pounding… this body would crash and cave in

Stop beating, I tell this crazy heart of mine who wants to disobey my voice and do not my will, but God’s

Stop beating, so I could lay my head and never wake to the light of a new day

Stop beating, so I don’t have to go through the daily motions of where I’ve been, where I am headed and what the future brings

Collapse, you selfish heart!

Thinking you’re in control of my life

Thinking you’re going to keep me alive...
When all I want to do is forsake this skin and die!

Why should I live in a world that is out of control?

Suffering the pains of past mistakes and failures

Fighting the could’ve, should’ve battles

This monster of a heart grows in me like Goliath, who will not quit but fight

Thinking in the end, he will win the war

You see just like Goliath you’ll be defeated, in the end you’ll die

 I can’t wait for that day when you’re hit against the head and fall to your destruction

But you tell me that time is on your side…That the moment hasn’t come for you to stop pounding

That the choice is not yours
You have a higher Master who started your ticking and gave you a time to stop

You say He told you not to quit or stop breathing even if I pleaded you to stop

Even if you heard my cries, like an echo carried through pulses of veins, screaming out …

I beg you to stop! For I can’t bear the pain

I beg you stop! For I can’t see in darkness

I beg you…please stop! There’s nothing to live for

Stop beating! I command you… let me go in peace

Stop beating … let me rest from the troubles of this world

Don’t you know? My time is up; this life is much too long

Please let me go be with my God

If you should hear such a cry, oh convoluted heart of mine

Why don’t we make a bargain and you just let me die!

But your response is not to my surprise

You tell me that Your Master sends messages traveling through my veins

It’s the blood you tell me… It’s His blood that runs to me…

Roaming through your body, going straight to what you call me…heart

You see I cannot listen, even in your begging; for there are things

you must endure, in spite of all the pain

It’s through much suffering and tears that you come close to God

So don’t ask me to stop beating, for HE commands me to remember that specific time

When He made you, He hovered over me and whispered a set date and time

When I was to stop ticking and thumping and pumping the blood of the One who chose to die…

Not from all your suffering but because He himself became the Bruised

Through grief, He wrapped himself in the entire affliction and oppression of the world

and took it to his death so that you may now continue living

You see, I cannot stop beating because I hold in memory your time just like I held His time of death

But you and I both know that He was special so I had to start pumping up again

And if I were to tell you this, said the heart to me, you’d probably think it crazy

I am only the pump that beats in the cavity of your chest and keeps your physical body alive

The real element here, holding the seat to your emotions…the root of all your sorrows;

Your pain, anger and frustration; your hurt, misery, and tears… is actually the Mind!

Where all of your memories remain…the thing that haunts you and feeds you fear

So if you’re looking for someone to blame or a solution to your problem

don’t order me to stop beating but give command to your mind to stop thinking!

For the heart of man is deceiving, who can know it says the Lord

Think how it can be possible for the heart to be deceiving when it doesn’t have a brain of its own 

So I say again… speak to your mind and tell it to die from all the past pains you’ve endured

so that we may both live together and do the work of the Lord…

You see, you are not finished yet! I keep hearing God say to you

For when your destiny is complete…your heart and mind will know the truth

To stop ticking like a clock that has served its purpose and lived the span of its lifetime

They’ll both say to you … No more!

The hands of the clock will no longer tell time, they will never give the hour passed your counted days, weeks, months or years to come… for your time on Earth has ended

But until that time arrives and God, Himself gives word

Learn to live … and please sing me a new song, for I am sick of your request

Tell me that you are happy and full of greater joy… smile at me on this day and the next

Say I, your Heart to thee…for I have not stopped beating… like you once ordered me!

Copyright © 2003 Ellie Kings

Note: This Spoken Word piece birthed out from the darkness I spoke of in my last post.  Please excuse grammatical errors.  It’s merely for the benefit of my performance. Also, Blogger gave me difficulties getting it to look the way it should.

Art by Madalina Iordache

Just in the Nick of Time

I'm not one to dwell on the past.  But I've heard it said, 'those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it'.  Remembering from time to time will help keep things in perspective.  It allows us to adequately consider each minuscule or monumental event which contributed to our character development.  It helps us answer the question, 'why?'.  I'm no psychologist, but I must say, that I've read and experienced enough to know that everything in life happens for a season and a reason.

Without acknowledging our past or looking through the wormhole of our fears, we will never fully heal from it.  The suffering we endured gives us greater insight and a profound connection to those that share the same pain.  You've heard the phrase, 'I understand' from people who have no clue what you're speaking of.  Though, they mean well, it is a little condescending.  So when you finally do come across that person who says, 'I understand' and truly does understand because they lived through it themselves, then it is a relief.  You realize you are not alone; that you weren't the only one who traveled the long, dark road.

I am fully aware that the horrible pain inflicted on us is for a greater purpose.  Most times, we are pruned by fire so that when we tell another, 'I understand', we actually mean it.  Although, Thanksgiving Day is a wonderful holiday because of what it represents, I've always felt there is no need to wait for one particular day to say 'thanks'.  We should be grateful each and every day of our lives.  With that said, today I wanted to share the reasons why I'm thankful with all of you as witnesses of my deep seeded gratitude.

Here goes. I'm thankful ...

• for being kidnapped by my father when I was four yrs old
• for having a fighting mother that never gave up the search
• for being abused as a child
• for knowing the bruised face of domestic violence through my mother's pain 
• for seeing the ugly face of drug and alcohol addiction on family members 
• for the tears, the heartbreaks, and rejections 
• for the incompetent teachers who belittled assuming they were great mentors
• for the family who used manipulation and humiliation throughout the years
• for the depression that was the climax of it all

... but most of all, I'm thankful for being rescued by a loving God ... just in the nick of time.

Without experiencing any of these events in my life, I could never have written the words that I have.  All that pain amounted to something beautiful.  I became stronger.  And though I find myself still wondering on certain issues, I know that the good Lord has a higher calling and great purpose for my life.  In the end, that's what keeps me standing.  It's what keeps me breathing.  It's what keeps me humble.  It's what makes me thankful.

My dear friends, I pray that on this Thanksgiving as you sit around the table with your loved ones, you remember my words.  If only for a moment, look back at your past, look deep into the river of despair and thank God for bringing you out ... just in the nick of time.  Enjoy your holiday and God bless!

Copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings

*Art by the talented Joey Remmers

Binding Fear

Though we care not to admit, most of us have felt some kind of fear one way or another: fear of rejection, of failure, the future, the unknown, new beginnings, endings, etc.  It doesn't matter if it's writing related or not... think of it.  Fear... it can be binding, can't it?  You think you've done all you can, but there is still so much more.  And you're afraid of ...?

I'm thinking of those righteous men of God who started off the same way; fearful! They all had a mission in life; though, some took years to realize that mission or purpose.  But God knew from the beginning! He knew exactly what He had deposited in each one of them and how much He would withdraw when the time was right.

When he told Abraham to leave his country and move into a strange land, if he had not gone with fear, perhaps his generations wouldn’t be as the stars. If Moses had not gone with fear, perhaps Israel would still be enslaved in Egypt. If Joshua had not gone with fear, the wall of Jericho would still be up. If Jonah hadn't finally gone with fear, the people of Nineveh would've been condemned.

God knew why He said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be fearful; do not be discouraged, for I will be with you all the way."  Joshua 1:9 NIV 

If Jesus had let his fear stand in the way, we would still be slaves of Sin. Think of it, even our Lord was filled with fear. Did you really think our Lord wasn't afraid? It was his side of humanity.  “Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Mat. 26:39    Just before his prayer he told his disciples, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.” Mat. 26:38

In other words, Jesus felt alone, was afraid and pained to death while fulfilling His calling.  But he knew he had to do it, because He loved us that much. Think about it… the more we suffer, are confused, or fearful, the more we're on God's radar.  He has great plans laid out for each one of us.  He is in the midst of everything: in our family, friends, work, passions (including our writings).  Did Jesus run away from the will of God? Absolutely not!  He proceeded with fear.


So let us imitate Him.  Let us take up our cross (whatever burden or fear it be), seek the will of God,  pursue the passions of our heart and proceed with fear.  The road ahead might be dark and scary but let us not allow our fears to bind us any longer.  Let us trust in the God who conquered in spite of the fear!  After all, we are His children and we are more than conquerors in Him with whom all things are possible.

So at the end of this week, I leave you with this thought in mind:

What has been your biggest fear lately?
Have you allowed it to bind you and hold you back from accomplishing your purpose in life?

Music is my Muse

Today music is my inspiration... my muse.  It soothes my soul and helps me remember times past.  Traveling on a cloud of wonderful but mostly painful memories.  Thinking of old experiences with my good mentors: heartache, sorrow, and pain.  These were faithful to me, many years ago, when solitude creeped under a closed door. 

Amazingly enough, a song can take you through a window into a past that you had forgotten.  To a time when you were heartbroken, when you were troubled, and eager to know the meaning of life.  If you haven't healed from that broken heart yet, that song can bring a tear to your eye.  But if you have healed,  it can only make you smile and even encourage you to acknowledge the fact that you overcame it... that you survived.  That when you thought all was lost... it wasn't.  You weren't left out to the wolves.  God knew exactly what He was doing when He allowed you to suffer the way He did.  Not because He was wicked and enjoyed watching you break.  There was a purpose for those tears.  Those tears were to strengthen you, to take you to a higher level and to bring you closer to your Maker.

Thinking back on it now; I don't know about you, but I'm glad I went through the pain.  It made me who I am today.  And those lovely songs and powerful music that once made me cry, 'til the tears dried on my pillow, are my prescious muse today.  So thank you for the inspiration.

Let the Rain Cleanse You

Why is it that when it rains we tend to want to get in bed, under the covers and sleep the day away?  Could it be that mother nature is letting us know that just as she's cleansing the Earth so must we be cleansed.  Rest and sleep is the best remedy that can take care of it. We know healthy foods and good exercise also have their say.  But think of it... what is it that physicians say when we're not feeling well?  Take your medication and get a good rest!


The daily agendas, the pressures in life and the unwanted stress are just a few things that overwhelm our souls.  So on a day like today, let the rain wash away the things that weigh down on your heart.  Let go of the baggage, take off the raincoat, and sleep the day away.  And tomorrow when the sun shines again, you'll be a little stronger to tackle the agendas, pressures and stress once more.  Keep in mind to take a breather every now and then... and don't forget to thank God for another day of strength.

This One's For My Sisters

i've thought much of you today
   though the distance between us is miles away
   i've held you close to my heart ... kept you in my prayers
   hoping that our God keep you always safe

praying you have not forgotten 
   our funny childhood games
   nor the way we stuck together
   against the rain and pain

when you see your growing children
   may they remind you some of me
   our strong sisterhood bond
   the laughs that made us cry

i know we have changed
   and we've grown worlds apart
   but I just wanted to say
   a hello from the heart
   
 i promise not to forget you
   i'm blowing kisses in the wind
   and when they get to where you are
   may you know they are from me


Copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings