Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Forever and a Day

You are the one...
the one who kneels under heaven
and asks, 'why am I here?
The one who's smile is a simple reflection
of a life filled with laughter, love, joy, and peace
You are the one who in time and past lives
secured a space in the deepest part of my heart
The one who captivates me with a smile each day
The one who loves me just the way I am
I will love you... forever and a day




These words were written in May of this year by my soulmate and love of my life, Nathan.  He was killed on Dec 20th. I'm heartbroken and lost without him. Even as I write, I feel like I'm in a horrible nightmare and I'm going to wake up and he's going to be here with me.  He loved me more than anyone in this world.  It was a once in a lifetime kind of love.  He was my very best friend and the sunshine of my day.  His love was pure and unconditional.  He respected me and treated me as his Queen.  He was planning a surprise wedding next year.  I learned of his plans from his friends. 


A part of me is confused, angry, hurt and well, there are no words.  All I know is that he was so proud of me for starting this blog and enjoyed my talk of all of you.  He loved reading your comments and had good laughs with some of your posts. I knew he would want me to post this. 


This post is dedicated to the memory of his neverending love for me and the love I will forever hold in my heart for him. Please keep me and his family in your prayers so God can give us the strength to overcome this great loss.  I take comfort in the knowledge that his soul is in a better place, although I miss him dearly.  The funeral is on Thursday.  Thank you all in advance for your warm thoughts and prayers.


For those of you who haven't read our love story, you can read Finding Each Other One Last Time Pt.I and Pt.II


I'm sure you can all understand, I will not be posting for a while.  As much as I want to hide away alone, give up and let it all go, I know in my heart that that's not what he would've wanted. I will return, but I don't know when.  


Much love,
Ellie


*art by joey remmers











61 comments:

Girl in My Own World said...

OMG Ellie! I am so so sorry! I will keep you and your family in my prayers!!! Again, I am just really so so very sorry! Hang in there, I know that it may not seem like it now, but this too shall pass and in time it will get better!!!! Take all of the time that you need. I will miss you!

Blessings and (((BIG HUGS)))

Autumn

Jenny Stevning said...

Yes. Prayers. I am so sorry. Love. Love. Love!

Kay said...

nothing could be placed in words to rectify your lose. may the memories forever stay strong. i'm sorry for your lose.

Tamika: said...

Oh, Ellie. My heart aches for you sweetie. I'm praying now for you and this family. I trust that God will comfort you and keep you in this time of loss. (Remember there is no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.)

Love you sweetie, please let me know if you need anything.

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Oh, Ellie. I just want to weep for you. I'm so so so sorry. Thank you for letting us know, for sharing such a terrible pain with us. This is a beautiful tribute to him.

My prayer for you: that you will feel God's arms around you at the moments when you need it the most. That you will be able to sleep. That the Holy Spirit will comfort and groan for you as only He can.

Jesus, be with Ellie.

Love you, Friend. We'll be here when you return. Take all the time you need.

Noelle said...

Dear Ellie - My heart is with you, may your love rest in peace.

I'm here for you, we all are.

Susan R. Mills said...

Ellie,
Words can not express how sorry I am for your loss. I pray that God will comfort you during this time.
Susan

Alexandra Garland said...

Ellie,
My warmest thoughts and prayers go to you, I'm so sorry for your loss and pray that time will heal your pain.
Stay strong, Blessings to you!!
-Alex

Lesley said...

Ellie, I don't even know what to say. I'm so so sorry. I just pray that God will heal you as only He can. If there's anything at all that your blogging friends can do, just say the word. We're all here for you.

Love, Lesley

Wine and Words said...

Ellie..... I am so sad for you. A love like that...you keep it with you though. It filled you and it stayed, even as his presence left...because it was a beautiful gift which can't be returned. Prayers, Hugs, for what it's worth. Hold close the gift. Release the pain as time allows.

V. S said...

Ellie, when I was reading your post I was in shock. I am so sorry. I have said a prayer for you and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Please be strong.

Dulce said...

I am so sorry My Dear Ellie
Of course I'll pray for him, his family and you.
God bless you for your kind heart.

dianne said...

I am so terribly sorry dear Ellie, it is a rare thing to find such love, a soulmate, someone who completes us...then to have them taken away.
My heart and prayers go out to you sweet girl, I hope your faith in God will help you through this time of great loss. xo ♡

Holly_D said...

My deepest of sympathy from the bottom of my heart. You will be in my prayers. God bless you and send forth healing.

Christine said...

Ellie,

I am so terribly terribly sorry to hear this. Please accept my condolences and know that you are in my prayers. I'm so sorry.

Matthew said...

My heartfelt sympathy for your loss. I hope you find the spirit to endure again. Your words are a light in the darkness. May the light surround you.

Sharon Mayhew said...

Ellie--I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine where you are mentally. You will be in my prayers. Take care.

Craftsman of light said...

Oh Ellie King....how i wish i could just take you in my arms. You are so wonderful and know that i will love you as one loves the beautiful light in the night sky.
You are in pain , and i wish i had the power to make you smile .
Nathan will be always there with you.....
please take care of that loving person who is in you...for she is loved so very much by so many!
The world is just magical,...these kind of things take time....but you have God on your side.

i hug you with all my heart and may the new year lift you towards the new and the beautiful.

COL

Roxy said...

((((( Ellie ))))) I can not believe this! My internet has been down for a couple of weeks, so I'm just now finding this out. Omgosh! I feel tears welling up inside for you. I wish I could just hug you! I am so so sorry to read this, Ellie. I remember your love story with him... I read all of your posts, from the beginning. What a unique story, now tragic! I know he was the love of your life. Oh Ellie, dear one, I will pray for you and the family. May God be with you. Take your time my friend. So sorry Ellie :(

Donna B said...

Hi Ellie, this is my first time to your blog... I am sad for you, your love's family and your family. I will lift you all up in my prayers. I lost my love at age 24, 38 years ago. He too was killed. Give yourself time and don't let anyone tell you when it is time to stop grieving. Hold tight to your memories and let that lift you up. Consider yourself blessed to have known that kind of love, from that kind of man. Know in your heart, love will come again, when you are ready. You know, if he loved you as you have said, he would NOT want you to stop being who you are and living life to its fullest. My heart goes out to you...take all the time you need, but I will be back to check on you...

Maria I. Morgan said...

I just read your post...I'm so sorry! Although I've not met you in person, my heart breaks for you. Know that I'm praying for you during this excruciatingly difficult time. May God's peace and comfort enfold you.

Craftsman of light said...

Ellie...hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs...

Sapphire said...

Ellie, peace to your soul and strength to face another day.
you are in my thoughts.

Sapphire.
x

Lesley said...

Ellie, just thought I would stop by to let you know I'm thinking of you. I hope you are finding peace, at least a little. You have such a tender heart. Guard it well, and let God heal it for you.

Jill Kemerer said...

Oh, Ellie. I had no idea. There are no words. Please, if you need a friend or want to talk, e-mail me: jrkemer@charter.net. I'm so sorry.

Girl in My Own World said...

Hi Ellie! I have been thinking of you and everytime that I think about what you are going through it makes me want to cry and give you and hug and make it all go away. I hope that you are healing as well as all of the family. I know that you are gone for the time, but I did give you an award as I had my one year blog anniversary, so whenever you come back it will be there for you. I really hope that you are well Ellie and I will be keeping you lifted up in my prayers! xoxo!!!

Autumn

Susan said...

I don't know you, but I'm so very sorry for your pain. I pray you find comfort during this time. I pray that your heart will heal.
He lives on inside of you. When you close your eyes and can feel his arms around you, it's because it's real. His soul is still joined to yours.
I pray you find some peace.

yaya said...

Happy New Year~~!!!............................................................

2019 said...

很好啊..................................................

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Hey, Ellie--

You've been heavy on my heart the past few days. Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm praying for you.

Sharon Mayhew said...

Ellie--Just checking in on you. I hope you are okay. I know that sounds lame...Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

Tabitha Bird said...

OH Ellie! Oh my. Girl, I want to wrap you in my arms and make the world a better place. What can I say? I am so so sorry for your incredible loss. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are a strong girl, but lean heavy as you need on those around you.

Love Tab

Roxy said...

Ellie,
you are on my mind day to day. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you often. My heart feels heavy for the emotional struggle you are facing in your life. I pray that God keeps His loving arms around you and that you find much needed healing and comfort in His love. Bless you, my dear friend. ((((( Ellie )))))

Christine said...

Thinking of you and praying for you Ellie.

Lori said...

May you find peace and hope again.

I cannot believe this. I am sorry but I just cannot find words. Prayers from here too.

dianne said...

Thinkng of you Ellie. xo ♥

~MCJArt ~ said...

~ Ellie ~

~ This post is a beautiful gift that you have offer us ~

~ thank you ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I send you love & peace in your heart ~

~MC ~

Susan R. Mills said...

Hi Ellie,
I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I've been thinking about you and praying for you. I hope God is comforting you.
Susan

~Ellie Kings~ said...

You all have moved me deeply with your comforting words. I don't know what to say, except, thank you so much, truly. God only knows how much I need your prayers. I'm completely heartbroken, but I know that even in this, there's purpose. What purpose? I don't know. I still can't see the full picture; I'm still asking why.

My mind runs in so many directions. I keep asking God so many questions, then apologize for asking. I'm angry, yet in this pain, I trust God knows what he's doing and He knows best. But knowing that doesn't lessen the pain. It hurts so much. I thought I was done starting over. Now I must begin again...on my own...without him. How do I live without him? I tried it once, and it just didn't work. I'm trying my best to be strong for him, for our special love.

Roxy said...

Ellie, thank you for posting a comment here. It is good to at least see your words again. I have thought of you often, and you have been in my prayers. I can not say that I understand the depth of your pain, but I do understand how very much you loved him. You made that very clear in your posts. Bless your heart, my friend... I know it must be so hard to start over without him. Yes Ellie, be as strong as you can possibly be, the love of your life would have expected that from you, and he would have wanted you to carry on, taking a day at a time, sometimes just a minute at a time... whatever it takes. May God continue to keep his arms around you and bring comfort during the days ahead. With loving hugs, dear friend (((( Ellie ))))

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

I just stopped by to say that I'm shocked !I'm thinking of you and sending you a big (((HUG)))dear friend Elli,
I'm praying for you .
Peace and confort in your heart.
Love you!!!
Blessings

K.M. Weiland said...

A beautiful poem and a beautiful story. My heart goes out to you, but I cheer you for your courage!

Tamika: said...

You are in my spirit today Ellie. I'm so glad that you gave us a brief update. I'm praying for you still and trusting that God will remain faithful and be a very present help in time of need.

Expression of the mind said...

May you acquire the emotional strength to solidly overcome how engulfing and consuming these emotional memories can get.


It must have been a terrifying and an entirely unexpected loss. I shockingly understand as i've been through a familiar misfortune.

Though i fail to personally recognize you, it is deeply comfortable for me to think of yourself as a passionate and kind individual.

You deserve the very best and maybe life has something to offer; aspire patiently and never allow passiveness to get back at you.

Lily Robinson said...

I have been so busy these past couple of months, I missed this post. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know that heaven is a wonderful place, but that knowledge doesn't fill the void left by a lost love. My heart goes out to you.

I will remember you and his family in my prayers. Hope to see you back soon, but take all the time you need. We will still be here.

Roxy said...

I'm still thinking of you, Ellie... sending hugs and prayers your way...

Craftsman of light said...

Miss you Ellie, still miss you, and still miss you....but i know you will come.
i think of you, and send you all my smiles!

Love and hugs
COL

Elle Strauss said...

I'm reading this a few months after your post. There are no words to make this right for you. It's unfathomable. I do pray for you and your family, and his, that you will find peace and that Jesus will be very close to you during this time.

Amalia K said...

It's such a sad, sad thing that the day fate takes me to your blog and fall in love with your writing is also the time I learn that you have decided to take a break from posting. There's not enough words in this world that could ever soothe an aching heart from losing a loved one, as I have experienced before. So I will say this, dear Ellie, that time heals all wounds. Please believe that your love and your passion will keep you strong and bring you back here.

A stranger, but hopefully a friend someday, ox

Christine said...

Ellie,

Still thinking about you.

Christine

Girl in My Own World said...

Hey Ellie, I thought of you today. I hope that things are getting better and that your heart is healing. I love you and will keep you in my prayers. :o)

Lily Robinson said...

Just checking in. I hope that you are feeling God's comfort. My eyes are filled with tears again as I think about your broken heart. I will continue to pray for you.

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Thinking of you!
I'm sending you tons of ((((HUGS)))
Betty xx

Roxy said...

I still think of you and wonder if you are okay. May God's love continue to comfort and guide you, Ellie. Hugs dear friend!

Roxy said...

Still thinking of you with prayers in my heart...

Craftsman of light said...

Kisses to you Ellie....
Col

Susan R. Mills said...

Ellie,
I think of you every day. I hope things are improving with every moment that passes.
God Bless,
Susan

Craftsman of light said...

Hello Ellie.....
how are you feeling....
still missing you!
hugs
joseph.

Craftsman of light said...

Ellie,
You are'nt forgotten....the wonderful being that you are glows here!

Kisses.

SarahA said...

I have only see such now, as I followed your link from my place. They say time heals all wounds and yet, scars such as these only fade somewhat. Never disappear. It does get easier though and although you will never forget, you will learn to love and smile and *dance* again; just in a different way. Am I sounding like I am preaching? I don't mean to. Remember Nathan is still there, he has just stepped into another room.Where all will be well.

Steve E said...

COMMENT NUMBER 61

This is the most beautiful tribute of pure love I have ever read. You became a follower on my blog today, I do not know why.

But if the reason is only this--that I got to read your loving words and hear and feel your pain of loss, then that is why you are here, and I am also, this moment.

Your sharing, baring your very soul here has touched me deeply, profoundly--because, you see, I have never lost one I loved so wonderfully--even my parents.

Of those who have gone before me, those who have died, I have never died myself inside. That so important part of the experience of living (and loving) through a loss has not yet been my cross to bear.

If/when it happens to me, your lesson will live in my heart. Yes, one day I will grieve over one of mine, as you have shown me today, how I can even grieve over a loss of yours.

Many blessings (I don't even know your name!) and PEACE!

Oh...dear Ellie, eureka.....