25 Twenty Five Years with God

This is a very special October for me. I am celebrating two anniversaries. My second anniversary here in the state of Rhode Island and my 25th Anniversary with the Lord.

It's amazing that I stayed this long in a place where I was just stopping by for two weeks. It goes to show how our plans are not always God's purposes. But I am grateful to God for guiding my every step, especially during a time when I was blinded by sorrow. The Lord has been very good to me. He surely loves the way I love to love; passionately, unconditionally and intensely. It must be why we are called his children.

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."         Proverbs 19:21

I can still remember the day I accepted the Son of God as my Savior. I was barely sixteen, sweet, innocent and very naïve mind you. Fortunately, the Lord took my hand all the way and my heart was inclined to His Word and not man's.

The baby steps were difficult, but very important. I stumbled many times in the beginning because I wanted to run when I still crawled. I held religion close to heart, obeying His Word at each letter. Now that I've grown more in the Lord, I've come to understand it is not about religion, but about a wonderful relationship with our heavenly father. For you must know, we no longer live under the law but under the grace of God.

As the years passed, I'm very pleased to say I was 'convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, would be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Jesus our Lord'. (Romans 8:38-39)

Yet, I learned there are times when the weak say we are strong, but don't necessarily feel it. We lose hope and our faith diminishes. The struggles and scars in the battles of life leave us breathless. And sometimes we walk away from God, not realizing leaving Him behind is the worst mistake we could possibly make. We try it our way for a while and when we notice it doesn't work without the Lord in the equation, we come back to Him. If you've been here at any point in your life, then you know that it only takes one prayer to get back into God's good graces. The good thing is He doesn't hold a grudge. He will love you even when it looks like He doesn't. He will love you even when you've left him a dozen times or betrayed him a hundred more.

If you don't remember anything else in life, remember this: The Lord is a very loving Father. There will always be room at his house for you. He will always gather you with loving kindness and tender mercies. Don't give up or disappear on Him cause He hasn't given up on you.

To read the words to this poetry/spoken word piece, go directly to my YouTube channel. © 2013 Ellie Kings

Dry Land

Dip Me in His Blood

SHE IS...

Written for me, by a dear friend, during a trying time. It honors me to know that I can impact someone in a special way. Thank you Hector.

She is like the sky, the moon, and the stars
her daylight brings calm, joy,

and peace in ones soul
her words are as the guiding moonlight

that does not leave one in the dark

her presence is like the stars

that bring a warm glow to ones heart

She is the fresh scent of a flower

She is the voice of reason

She is the angel of God's word

She is the lifter of ones heart

As she lives, and walks throughout her day

Never noticing... 

She brings meaning to the day

She is all these things and more

 As I stop to think of all of the things

that God has given me

whether it be the warmth of the sun

the cool breeze in the summer

or the smell of millions of flowers in the meadow

I thank God for her,

for it was He who decided

to combine all of these things

into one person

I call her my lifter, my voice in the dark,

but most importantly, I call her my friend.

© 2002 Hector Agosto
For Ellie Kings  

Art: Constellation by Karen Koski     

Forgetting Love

love said to forget

    how could I forget him

his heart stitched to mine

    and when he died so did I

love wished me to forget

     I refused to...

still holding onto him

     willing him to breathe

he never did...   so I dreamed

and without me noticing

                        I, too, danced a waltz with Death

while Death breathed in my life

     And I was...

dancing slowly

       breathing softly

exhaling calmly  

        screaming quietly

the years passed

    I tried and tried

but I couldn't hold onto Forever

  I had to forget

I had to forget love 
kill Death
and invite Life again

© August 2013 Ellie Kings

Digital Art: Kiss of Death & Dancing with Death

by Michelle Monique

Alone without my Words

When I'm alone, I think...
of many things keeping me up at night
Wonderful words waking me in the early hour 
I toss and turn as they slip away, out of reach
In my dreams, sitting at the edge of the shore
Waiting for them to return to me
The wind is fierce, it hits my face and I can't breathe
The fog has come and I can't see
Where are the words that made me speak?
I can almost touch them, but they wither back to sea.

And I sit alone without my words
Without my poems, without my songs, without my speech.

I miss my words.
Come back to me...

© September 2012 Ellie Kings
Art by David Revoy

The Beating of my Heart

My poor Heart took a hard beating
Out in the winter cold
Surprisingly, he held onto dear life
He lay there bleeding in the wet snow
As I ran to lift him up
I heard him slow his beat
I thought for sure he wouldn't survive
From all the bruises and the hurt



He was rushed to Intensive care
Barely alive, but he survived
Unfortunately, he stayed in a deep sleep

In that coma God softly took his time to heal him
He didn't rush things because he knew my poor Heart needed time
Time to think of every moment he was happy
Time to reflect on all the heartaches he had lived through
Time to consider how far the journey had been
Time to appreciate the Love he had found

While my Heart lay there more than two years
Many thought he would never wake up
But they were wrong

One night when all was quiet
and the nurses were busy making rounds
My Heart slowly opened his eyes
Looking more peaceful than ever
He didn't ask how did he get there
He didn't ask how long he'd been sleeping
He simply asked, 'where is my Love?'

As I sat next to my poor Heart
I held his hand and dried his tears
I said, 'I'm sorry Heart, but Love died'
Confused he looked at me and smiled
'No it didn't; it just left for a little while
My Love will be back soon and I'll be patiently waiting'
I didn't argue with my Heart
After all, who better than him to know Love best

© July 2012 Ellie Kings

Painting: You still Live on in Us by Shawna Erback

Crossroads

Here I stand at the crossroads
under the pouring rain
what others have forgotten
I remember everyday

The world moves on without me
while I stand in the same place
these crossroads give me hope
to someday see your face


In another skin
in another dream
if just ...
for one more day

If but in a memory
of a love we once shared
let me keep you alive
until I'm nearly there

Until I'm ready
to set you free
even if it hurts
after all... me

Watch you fly away
let you go, wait and see
if you come back to these crossroads
one sunny day ... for me


 © 2011 Ellie Kings
In loving memory of my one true Love
Dec 20th 2009


Digital Photography by Zoe Marlowe

If I were a Mother

I'll never be a mother to anyone
I won't get to see the ultrasound photo
I won't get to feel him growing inside
I won't know how it feels
to push him into this world

If I were a mother
I'd love him unconditionally
Knowing that he'll make mistakes
That it wouldn't matter to me
because after all he'd be my child



If I were a mother
I'd teach him the things I learned
I'd teach him to be a gentleman to a lady
I'd teach him to be an honest & faithful man
To know when to let his guard down
and let love in

If I were a mother
I'd know his weaknesses and his strengths
I'd give him security and shelter
I'd let him know that he could run to me
whenever he lost his way

If I were a mother
I'd teach him to be a wonderful man
But I won't be a mother
not to him or to her
They'll be a someone else's child
They'll be someone else's gift

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by Nancy Tillman

Dear God

Dear Abba
i have no where to hide
no where to run
but inside
the palm of your hand
the only place i feel safe
where the world is quiet
where each breath i take
is exhaled  by you



Abba
i feel lost
and i wanted to tell you
in case you hadn't noticed
maybe you were too busy
to hear your daughter's cry

Dear Adonai
have you left me
today i cannot find you
even though i've tried
come back, be near me
and stay with me awhile
i'm not strong enough Adonai
to face another day
to win another battle
to wear this heavy coat

Abba
can you hear me
from the throne you're in
or are you too far away
i just wanted to tell you
i need you more than ever
i can't do this on my own
please don't leave me today
stay with me until tomorrow

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art in google images

Me Isn't Here Anymore

I don't recognize Me
Me isn't here anymore
not in the house
not in the mirror
not in the inside of my soul



before the mirror
I only see
a stranger that replaced Me

I wish I could tell her to leave
that I don't need her anymore
her presence makes me uncomfortable
I wish she walked out the door

but she doesn't want to leave
she taunts me everyday
she makes me sad
she makes me angry
she takes my smile away

she robs me of the laughter
I had long ago
she steals my peace
she steals my grace
she stole who I was before

someday I will say to her
exactly what she needs to know
that I hate who she has made Me
that she's not welcomed anymore

that tomorrow will be the day
when she finally walks out the door
then I'll look in the mirror
I will see Me once more

and Me will be ... Beautiful


© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by James Knowles

Love's Death

sometimes it's hard to breathe

why can't i just break free?

be all alone and cry

'till the last tear has dried

until my heart feels less heavy

'till my chest doesn't hurt

until the waters have washed

the fear of being cursed

... of never being happy

of losing all my hope

of needing and not having

of loving and what for?

i know God isn't cruel

but this feels cruel to me 

maybe it's a joke 

and the joke is on me

Love's death is surreal

he isn't going to return

he's really gone forever

and forever seems too long

Love forgot to say goodbye

as I remain waiting

he went missing through the night

and i didn't even know it

wasn't he among friends?

who was his enemy?

who swiped his life away

and caved a hole this deep

Love took his last breath

as he lay there bleeding

and written in his blood

was the love of God and me

you're free, my sweet Love

don't worry about me

God will sit by my bed 

until i've fallen asleep

until i've stopped humming our song

'till i've stepped into my dreams

when you're alive again

when you're alive with me

where your death is the dream

and the dream is what's real

when you're no longer asleep

and your heartbeat i hear

let me stay here, sweet Love

for a little while longer

let me sing to you again

and hold you in my arms

show you that i love you

see your eyes once more

tell you that i've missed you

that your death is all wrong

...come back... don't leave

i can't wake up now

to the light and the truth 

that my Love is truly gone

let me stay here in your world

where the wind blows free

in our garden of white roses

let's relive our memories

by Ellie Kings

copyright May 2010

art by Allyson Ricketts

Stop Beating

(This is a slow to fast beat piece)


Still alive…

Still my heart is beating; even though there are times when I wish it would just stop!

Stop beating… I tell my heart 

Stop beating, I want to be with my God

Stop beating, help me stop hurting 

Stop beating, help me stop crying

Stop beating, so there’s no pain- no more feeling

Only numbness left behind

The sleep of peace is all I ask for

Did you hear me, old foolish heart of mine?

Stop beating, I say to you my ruthless heart; don’t you see I’m tired of crying out

Stop beating you blood-thirsty heart surrounded by vessels and walls of tissue to protect you from the harms and pains this body endures

Stop beating, I tell this wicked heart of mine who disobeys, strays away, grows rebellious and justifies itself with the “I-am-in-control-of-this-body”…

Knowing if it wasn’t for its pumping-thumping-pounding… this body would crash and cave in

Stop beating, I tell this crazy heart of mine who wants to disobey my voice and do not my will, but God’s

Stop beating, so I could lay my head and never wake to the light of a new day

Stop beating, so I don’t have to go through the daily motions of where I’ve been, where I am headed and what the future brings

Collapse, you selfish heart!

Thinking you’re in control of my life

Thinking you’re going to keep me alive...
When all I want to do is forsake this skin and die!

Why should I live in a world that is out of control?

Suffering the pains of past mistakes and failures

Fighting the could’ve, should’ve battles

This monster of a heart grows in me like Goliath, who will not quit but fight

Thinking in the end, he will win the war

You see just like Goliath you’ll be defeated, in the end you’ll die

 I can’t wait for that day when you’re hit against the head and fall to your destruction

But you tell me that time is on your side…That the moment hasn’t come for you to stop pounding

That the choice is not yours
You have a higher Master who started your ticking and gave you a time to stop

You say He told you not to quit or stop breathing even if I pleaded you to stop

Even if you heard my cries, like an echo carried through pulses of veins, screaming out …

I beg you to stop! For I can’t bear the pain

I beg you stop! For I can’t see in darkness

I beg you…please stop! There’s nothing to live for

Stop beating! I command you… let me go in peace

Stop beating … let me rest from the troubles of this world

Don’t you know? My time is up; this life is much too long

Please let me go be with my God

If you should hear such a cry, oh convoluted heart of mine

Why don’t we make a bargain and you just let me die!

But your response is not to my surprise

You tell me that Your Master sends messages traveling through my veins

It’s the blood you tell me… It’s His blood that runs to me…

Roaming through your body, going straight to what you call me…heart

You see I cannot listen, even in your begging; for there are things

you must endure, in spite of all the pain

It’s through much suffering and tears that you come close to God

So don’t ask me to stop beating, for HE commands me to remember that specific time

When He made you, He hovered over me and whispered a set date and time

When I was to stop ticking and thumping and pumping the blood of the One who chose to die…

Not from all your suffering but because He himself became the Bruised

Through grief, He wrapped himself in the entire affliction and oppression of the world

and took it to his death so that you may now continue living

You see, I cannot stop beating because I hold in memory your time just like I held His time of death

But you and I both know that He was special so I had to start pumping up again

And if I were to tell you this, said the heart to me, you’d probably think it crazy

I am only the pump that beats in the cavity of your chest and keeps your physical body alive

The real element here, holding the seat to your emotions…the root of all your sorrows;

Your pain, anger and frustration; your hurt, misery, and tears… is actually the Mind!

Where all of your memories remain…the thing that haunts you and feeds you fear

So if you’re looking for someone to blame or a solution to your problem

don’t order me to stop beating but give command to your mind to stop thinking!

For the heart of man is deceiving, who can know it says the Lord

Think how it can be possible for the heart to be deceiving when it doesn’t have a brain of its own 

So I say again… speak to your mind and tell it to die from all the past pains you’ve endured

so that we may both live together and do the work of the Lord…

You see, you are not finished yet! I keep hearing God say to you

For when your destiny is complete…your heart and mind will know the truth

To stop ticking like a clock that has served its purpose and lived the span of its lifetime

They’ll both say to you … No more!

The hands of the clock will no longer tell time, they will never give the hour passed your counted days, weeks, months or years to come… for your time on Earth has ended

But until that time arrives and God, Himself gives word

Learn to live … and please sing me a new song, for I am sick of your request

Tell me that you are happy and full of greater joy… smile at me on this day and the next

Say I, your Heart to thee…for I have not stopped beating… like you once ordered me!

Copyright © 2003 Ellie Kings

Note: This Spoken Word piece birthed out from the darkness I spoke of in my last post.  Please excuse grammatical errors.  It’s merely for the benefit of my performance. Also, Blogger gave me difficulties getting it to look the way it should.

Art by Madalina Iordache

CAN WE START OVER

I’ve done things I’m not too proud of Abba. I’ve run away from you far too many times. Is it because I choose to be rebellious? Or is it because I’m afraid You might know best for me?

I’ve learned many lessons the hard way. My garments have gone from silk robes to filthy rags. I’ve lost the ring you gave me. I searched for it, I did, but Father I just never found it.

I also lost the inheritance you gave me when I left home. I know I asked for it on my way out.  I tried to make it out there on my own. I tried not to waste every cent on drugs or alcohol or even all the partying, but somehow after a few months, it was gone! All of it, all of it! And I found myself poor, hungry, and most of all … I was lost!

Many times I thought to myself of all the riches and the food and the joy and love that I had left behind with you. But I couldn’t bring myself to come back home. I couldn’t!

I mean, what would you think of me? Look at me, look how dirty I’ve become … You probably wouldn’t even recognize me. You’d probably think that I am a beggar off the streets. Oh Abba Father, what you must think of me now. I’m such a failure! I failed you Adonai. I didn’t mean to do it, but I did and I regret it.

I didn’t mean to end up in this condition. I had so many plans. I wanted to buy a big house and fill it with all the things I had back home, but that didn’t happen. I thought that my thoughts were like your thoughts and that my ways would be like your ways but somehow, somewhere … I lost my way! I lost everything!

I never got the house or the family. There was no room for happiness or love. I wasted the riches and I wasted time. But… I don’t want to waste time anymore! I want to come back home.


I know what I will do… I’ll try my best to hide what I’ve done. I’ll try to wash my filthy rags and make them look like new. And then, maybe, then you’ll welcome me back into your home and call me your daughter again.

There! That should do it… I look much better now.

I’m almost there… just a little further to go… just over that hill and I’m back home.

I think I see him now. Yes, that’s Him… that’s my Abba! I have to walk a little faster, maybe I should run…. I’ll run back into his arms and everything will be just fine.

Hi Abba,, Do you recognize me?
I mean, I know I’ve changed a lot but I washed up so I wouldn’t stink of sin in front of you. I didn’t want you to see me the way I really was. I didn’t want you to know that I was confused and that I forgot what you taught me. And how much you loved me. I didn’t want you to know that I had lost the ring you gave me or your riches.  And Abba, I didn’t want you to know that I had lost my way back home. I couldn’t remember… I just couldn’t remember the way.

I tried not to forget. But I met a lot of people who I called friends and I got involved with so many bad things: the alcohol, the drugs and the sex. They made me forget. Those things made me forget about You and of home, and about the love I felt when I was home.

Can you forgive me? Can you forget the things I’ve done? Has your love for me changed because I’ve done so much wrong? Oh Abba, Can I get another ring? I just want to belong to you again. Can I come back home? I’ve missed you so. Can we start over? I’d like to start over again! Can we? Can we start over?

Hi Abba, My name is Elizabeth, consecrated to you,  and I am your daughter… I belong to You and only You!

copyright © 2003 by Ellie Kings
Inspired by the Prodigal Son
Paintings by Joey Remmers