Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Forever and a Day

You are the one...
the one who kneels under heaven
and asks, 'why am I here?
The one who's smile is a simple reflection
of a life filled with laughter, love, joy, and peace
You are the one who in time and past lives
secured a space in the deepest part of my heart
The one who captivates me with a smile each day
The one who loves me just the way I am
I will love you... forever and a day

These words were written in May of this year by my soulmate and love of my life, Nathan.  He was killed on Dec 20th. I'm heartbroken and lost without him. Even as I write, I feel like I'm in a horrible nightmare and I'm going to wake up and he's going to be here with me.  He loved me more than anyone in this world.  It was a once in a lifetime kind of love.  He was my very best friend and the sunshine of my day.  His love was pure and unconditional.  He respected me and treated me as his Queen.  He was planning a surprise wedding next year.  I learned of his plans from his friends. 

A part of me is confused, angry, hurt and well, there are no words.  All I know is that he was so proud of me for starting this blog and enjoyed my talk of all of you.  He loved reading your comments and had good laughs with some of your posts. I knew he would want me to post this. 

This post is dedicated to the memory of his neverending love for me and the love I will forever hold in my heart for him. Please keep me and his family in your prayers so God can give us the strength to overcome this great loss.  I take comfort in the knowledge that his soul is in a better place, although I miss him dearly.  The funeral is on Thursday.  Thank you all in advance for your warm thoughts and prayers.

For those of you who haven't read our love story, you can read Finding Each Other One Last Time Pt.I and Pt.II

I'm sure you can all understand, I will not be posting for a while.  As much as I want to hide away alone, give up and let it all go, I know in my heart that that's not what he would've wanted. I will return, but I don't know when.  

Much love,

*art by joey remmers

Monday, December 14, 2009

Stop Beating

(This is a slow to fast beat piece)

Still alive…
Still my heart is beating; even though there are times when I wish it would just stop!
Stop beating… I tell my heart 
Stop beating, I want to be with my God
Stop beating, help me stop hurting 
Stop beating, help me stop crying
Stop beating, so there’s no pain- no more feeling
Only numbness left behind

The sleep of peace is all I ask for
Did you hear me, old foolish heart of mine?

Stop beating, I say to you my ruthless heart; don’t you see I’m tired of crying out
Stop beating you blood-thirsty heart surrounded by vessels and walls of tissue to protect you from the harms and pains this body endures
Stop beating, I tell this wicked heart of mine who disobeys, strays away, grows rebellious and justifies itself with the “I-am-in-control-of-this-body”…
Knowing if it wasn’t for its pumping-thumping-pounding… this body would crash and cave in

Stop beating, I tell this crazy heart of mine who wants to disobey my voice and do not my will, but God’s
Stop beating, so I could lay my head and never wake to the light of a new day
Stop beating, so I don’t have to go through the daily motions of where I’ve been, where I am headed and what the future brings

Collapse, you selfish heart!
Thinking you’re in control of my life
Thinking you’re going to keep me alive...
When all I want to do is forsake this skin and die!

Why should I live in a world that is out of control?
Suffering the pains of past mistakes and failures
Fighting the could’ve, should’ve battles

This monster of a heart grows in me like Goliath, who will not quit but fight
Thinking in the end, he will win the war
You see just like Goliath you’ll be defeated, in the end you’ll die
 I can’t wait for that day when you’re hit against the head and fall to your destruction

But you tell me that time is on your side…That the moment hasn’t come for you to stop pounding
That the choice is not yours
You have a higher Master who started your ticking and gave you a time to stop
You say He told you not to quit or stop breathing even if I pleaded you to stop
Even if you heard my cries, like an echo carried through pulses of veins, screaming out …

I beg you to stop! For I can’t bear the pain
I beg you stop! For I can’t see in darkness
I beg you…please stop! There’s nothing to live for
Stop beating! I command you… let me go in peace
Stop beating … let me rest from the troubles of this world
Don’t you know? My time is up; this life is much too long
Please let me go be with my God

If you should hear such a cry, oh convoluted heart of mine
Why don’t we make a bargain and you just let me die!

But your response is not to my surprise
You tell me that Your Master sends messages traveling through my veins
It’s the blood you tell me… It’s His blood that runs to me…
Roaming through your body, going straight to what you call me…heart
You see I cannot listen, even in your begging; for there are things
you must endure, in spite of all the pain

It’s through much suffering and tears that you come close to God
So don’t ask me to stop beating, for HE commands me to remember that specific time
When He made you, He hovered over me and whispered a set date and time
When I was to stop ticking and thumping and pumping the blood of the One who chose to die…
Not from all your suffering but because He himself became the Bruised
Through grief, He wrapped himself in the entire affliction and oppression of the world
and took it to his death so that you may now continue living

You see, I cannot stop beating because I hold in memory your time just like I held His time of death
But you and I both know that He was special so I had to start pumping up again
And if I were to tell you this, said the heart to me, you’d probably think it crazy
I am only the pump that beats in the cavity of your chest and keeps your physical body alive
The real element here, holding the seat to your emotions…the root of all your sorrows;
Your pain, anger and frustration; your hurt, misery, and tears… is actually the Mind!
Where all of your memories remain…the thing that haunts you and feeds you fear

So if you’re looking for someone to blame or a solution to your problem
don’t order me to stop beating but give command to your mind to stop thinking!
For the heart of man is deceiving, who can know it says the Lord
Think how it can be possible for the heart to be deceiving when it doesn’t have a brain of its own 
So I say again… speak to your mind and tell it to die from all the past pains you’ve endured
so that we may both live together and do the work of the Lord…

You see, you are not finished yet! I keep hearing God say to you
For when your destiny is complete…your heart and mind will know the truth
To stop ticking like a clock that has served its purpose and lived the span of its lifetime
They’ll both say to you … No more!
The hands of the clock will no longer tell time, they will never give the hour passed your counted days, weeks, months or years to come… for your time on Earth has ended

But until that time arrives and God, Himself gives word
Learn to live … and please sing me a new song, for I am sick of your request
Tell me that you are happy and full of greater joy… smile at me on this day and the next
Say I, your Heart to thee…for I have not stopped beating… like you once ordered me!

Copyright © 2003 Ellie Kings

Note: This Spoken Word piece birthed out from the darkness I spoke of in my last post.  Please excuse grammatical errors.  It’s merely for the benefit of my performance. Also, Blogger gave me difficulties getting it to look the way it should.
Art by Madalina Iordache

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Can You Hear Me?

Our burden is heavy.  Our baggage weighs much.  The things that once made us laugh no longer do.  We walk the path of the heavy laden.  We carry burdens that keep us bound.  We suppress anger.  We walk into our dark room and shut the door behind.  We seek relief, but relief doesn't live here anymore.   

The prayer wick is dimming.  The candle is almost out and fear creeps in just like it did before.  You know, when we were younger and were afraid of the dark. When we were naΓ―ve and didn't know the boogie-man wasn't real. When we felt helpless and utterly alone with no one to save us from darkness. 

Now that we're all grown up, should we still be afraid of the dark?  Should we still feel helpless?

These were my thoughts when I was fighting depression a few years back.  I couldn't understand how a cheerful, bubbly person like me could go from bouncing off walls and slaying dragons, so to speak, to staring out my window with a dazed look on my face.  It was as if I was hypnotized.  I could actually see myself floating over my body, yelling at myself, "Wake up! Wake up! Get out of the dark! You have much to do! You have to live!"  But I was deaf to my own voice. 

As the months went by, I grew lethargic and weary.  My muscles ached all the time.  I couldn't sleep at night and had difficulty getting out of bed during the day.  I suffered crying spells, migraines, anxiety, loss of appetite, and couldn't concentrate on anything.  I wanted to crawl in a hole and simply die.  I didn't want to end it myself, but I did welcome death with open arms.

Silence choked my voice.  My song died.  My dance slumped.  All I wanted to do was scream!!! with every fiber of my soul.  Scream!!! loud enough until my voice was heard.  Scream!!! until I returned to me.  But no one heard and no one cared.  They were all too busy to really see.
Still my soul peeked out through tiny windows of my eyes, my hands on the bars of my prison and whispered in anguish...

...Can you hear me?  ... Can you hear me?

Have you been here?  When the burdens feel too heavy to carry? When your voice is not heard?  When you search for rest but can't seem to find it?  If you listen closely, you'll understand that the Lord wants to exchange our burdens for his yoke.  

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Mat 11:28-30 NIV 

When I traveled that path, if nothing else, all I heard was the Word of God resonating in my ears.  His comforting words speaking life back into me.  He breathed his peace over me, everyday...slowly... until I actually felt him close once more.  Until He had become Real to me again. 
When you find yourself lost in darkness and can't seem to find your way back, allow Him to walk you back into the light.  Allow Him to breathe life back into you.  And understand that even if no one else hears you when your soul screams out or simply whispers... Can you hear me?  God hears... He knows... He sees. 

Copyright © 2009 Ellie Kings 
Photo by Joseph Hicklin
Art by Alexandra Louie and Bill Stephens

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Vengeance vs Justice

Many of us have suffered injustice at some point of our lives, whether it's by someone we know or a complete stranger.  They've hurt us with their vicious words, despicable acts, or fierce brutality.  When we least expect it, we become their victim.  We endure a loss.  We lose our innocence, self-respect, and our will to live.  We are vulnerable to the fear they instilled in us.   Fear now wears their face.

The hands of time move forward but our memory is frozen in the moment.  We dwell on their vile whispers and remember their smug faces.  After a while, our anger erupts like a volcano and we seek revenge.  We think of the many others who will be spared if we avenge it now.  We convince ourselves that vengeance and justice amount to the same thing.

But we are not called to take vengeance.  We've been called to seek justice.  Although there is a fine line between them and they resemble each other, there is a difference.  Vengeance is a harmful action against the individual(s) in response to a grievance; while, justice implies actions undertaken and supported by a legitimate judicial system, by a system of ethics.  Revenge works outside the boundaries of judicial or ethical conduct.  The goal of revenge usually consists of forcing the (perceived)wrongdoer to suffer the same or greater pain than that which was originally inflicted.*

Let us not deceive ourselves.  Revenge will not make us feel better.  It will not help us bury the past.  It will only bandage the wound while it really needs to breathe.  Justice,  on the other hand, is the ointment for the pain.  It will heal us in time.  In the end, it will give us the satisfaction that we didn't raise a finger against the person, yet they were brought to justice all on their own.  Be it in a courtroom by a judicial system or an intervening Higher Power, someday the heinous act(s) they committed will be avenged.  Not by us but by the God who loves us so much,  He makes everything come to a full circle.  "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written: Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

In my last post, I spoke of wrongs that were done against me and some of the things I survived.  It took much courage on my part to write that post  (I thank you all for your warm response).  I debated if I should be so open with you all, but then realized we are called to minister healing onto others.  We are God's ambassadors, appointed to carry the torches of  love, truth and peace.  Not repaying anyone evil for evil but we are to overcome evil with good.

After all, only God knows and only God can.  We continue to hold onto our faith and allow Him to do what He does best.  He will pull us out of the fire and though sometimes there are scars left behind, we survive.  We live on knowing sooner or later, He will avenge our pain and heal our wounded hearts.  Justice will prevail.

Copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings
Art by Jim Murphy
*notes from Wikipedia

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Just in the Nick of Time

I'm not one to dwell on the past.  But I've heard it said, 'those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it'.  Remembering from time to time will help keep things in perspective.  It allows us to adequately consider each minuscule or monumental event which contributed to our character development.  It helps us answer the question, 'why?'.  I'm no psychologist, but I must say, that I've read and experienced enough to know that everything in life happens for a season and a reason.

Without acknowledging our past or looking through the wormhole of our fears, we will never fully heal from it.  The suffering we endured gives us greater insight and a profound connection to those that share the same pain.  You've heard the phrase, 'I understand' from people who have no clue what you're speaking of.  Though, they mean well, it is a little condescending.  So when you finally do come across that person who says, 'I understand' and truly does understand because they lived through it themselves, then it is a relief.  You realize you are not alone; that you weren't the only one who traveled the long, dark road.

I am fully aware that the horrible pain inflicted on us is for a greater purpose.  Most times, we are pruned by fire so that when we tell another, 'I understand', we actually mean it.  Although, Thanksgiving Day is a wonderful holiday because of what it represents, I've always felt there is no need to wait for one particular day to say 'thanks'.  We should be grateful each and every day of our lives.  With that said, today I wanted to share the reasons why I'm thankful with all of you as witnesses of my deep seeded gratitude.

Here goes. I'm thankful ...
  • for being kidnapped by my father when I was four yrs old
  • for having a fighting mother that never gave up the search
  • for being abused as a child
  • for knowing the bruised face of domestic violence through my mother's pain 
  • for seeing the ugly face of drug and alcohol addiction on family members 
  • for the tears, the heartbreaks, and rejections 
  • for the incompetent teachers who belittled assuming they were great mentors
  • for the family who used manipulation and humiliation throughout the years
  • for the depression that was the climax of it all
... but most of all, I'm thankful for being rescued by a loving God ... just in the nick of time.

Without experiencing any of these events in my life, I could never have written the words that I have.  All that pain amounted to something beautiful.  I became stronger.  And though I find myself still wondering on certain issues, I know that the good Lord has a higher calling and great purpose for my life.  In the end, that's what keeps me standing.  It's what keeps me breathing.  It's what keeps me humble.  It's what makes me thankful.

My dear friends, I pray that on this Thanksgiving as you sit around the table with your loved ones, you remember my words.  If only for a moment, look back at your past, look deep into the river of despair and thank God for bringing you out ... just in the nick of time.  Enjoy your holiday and God bless!

Copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings
*Art by the talented Joey Remmers

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Your Wicked Enemies

isn't it amazing how far you've come
yet their faith is still undone
they pick at flaws long unseen
'least by you, but they still see
they waltz the room with noses raised
without a care, they're never swayed
their belief is all that counts
how they feel is what amounts
you can't change them though you try
they crucify you without cry
they stone you and kill you off
with vicious words and hate they love
still you brave life's highest standards
mostly fueled by enemies
you stand on justice, truth and love
yet they cast you to the wolves
their burning tongue lights wildfires
they push you in and turn an eye
they have a feast at your expense
they drink and toast upon your death
but soon one day when entertained
by all the damage they have made
they'll be pulled up like wicked weeds
what they have sowed, they finally reap
then the Kingdom’s yours for taking

from afar, you'll hear them weeping

their vile ways will be avenged

by your loving God’s defense

copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings

*Based on Matthew 13:24-30 NIV

Art by Kimmary Maclean and Tomas Del-Amo

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

To Keep You From Drowning

Give me your hand; don’t be afraid
Let me show you how it’s done
First, you must take a leap of faith and keep your eyes focused on me
Take a step and then another but don’t you look away
Looking away will only remind you of your past
Your past will remind you of your fears
And your fears will only stop you from getting one step closer to freedom

Listen to my voice; It will keep you from drowning
Do not listen to the echoes in your ear

Steady… have faith… do not be afraid… I will be with you all the way
Be brave…imitate me...
By letting go of yourself for another
Giving of yourself for a greater good
That is the wholeness of true freedom
Do not stare at the water, for it is deep and confusing
It is frightening to see your reflection in the middle of a profound ocean

Do you see? You're already brave
You are the only one who chose to follow me out into the deep
You didn’t question where I was going or how I would get there
You simply followed me… against all natural opposition
If you continue to hear the melody of my voice
You will not stray away in the wrong direction
For I am here, guiding you, holding your hand
Just to keep you from drowning

Copyright © 2004 by Ellie Kings
*Based on Peter's moment with the Master
Art by Bill Stephens

Monday, November 16, 2009

Rescuing the Words

when do I find the words
to make the story alive
to keep the memory awake
so it no longer dies
how do i write the words
on the bark of a tree
in the water on waves
in the heart of the sea

why do i hide the words
on a shelf full of dust
in a cluttered dark chest
or behind the moon's light
how do i rescue the words
from the pendulum's end
from the guillotine's death
from the silence ahead
Copyright© 2009 Ellie Kings
Photo by Harley Lever

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

On the F

it's nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel
it brightens my face with a smile
it whispers in my ear
'you're going places'

it doesn't matter how long I've waited
five minutes or a lifetime
that light brings with it a sense of relief
i'm going home today

...waiting for the future
it is the ending of something old
and the beginning of something new 
the hope of something wonderful

that light brings with it... possibility
wait for it... wait
don't grow impatient
for impatience causes accidents, dilemma and fear

be not afraid of the light
but never run towards it
just wait...
until the light comes to you

don't let the future get the best of you
curiosity may allow your foot to slip
when it slips
you will fall

and the light you've  yearned for most
has passed over you and left you behind
to wonder what you did wrong
and ask why you did not wait

so if I may remind you
if you miss this light, there is another
for there are always lights
coming and going the rest of your life

some might go east, some may go west
but whichever way you're headed
don't fret
there's a light meant just for you

to take you home
to lead you somewhere

 out of all the lights
on all days of the week
i most enjoy waiting for the F

it reminds me of a Future
still waiting to be discovered
and all i must do... is... wait

Inspired by the F train in NYC
copyright © 2005 by Ellie Kings
*photo by Sam Oakes

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Death After All

She was my mother, yet she did not show it
She rejected me, from the very first day
I wanted her affection; she never returned it
She simply did not love me - she told me so herself
She said given the choice, she would have aborted
From the minute I was born, she declared her hate
When I was days old, she attempted to drown me
She hid me below water, like I was a mistake
If it wasn’t for my grandma; my tiny body struggling
There are no doubts today; I’m sure I would be dead
But heaven didn’t want me, the angels weren’t waiting
For the hand of God itself, held and kept me safe

So because she couldn't kill me; within a month, she left me
Discarded like old shoes damaged by the rain
Mother you can have her, for I do not want her
This is the dreadful woman; who solely gave me breath
But she was just the vessel and nothing more to me
The hatred that she showed me, I gave it in return
If she had been special, if she would have loved me
Maybe I’d be different, maybe I’d be saved
From the issue of resentment; I’d been more sensitive
When I learned leukemia has left her in a bed
That it raided her blood and to her bones was spreading
That she lays there in pain,’til in six months she’s dead

I was not made in love; her words are still ringing
In the memory of a child, not cherished on that day
But there was no remorse and there was no forgiveness
Just an empty void of the wall she built with hate
And yet today, more than thirty years later
I find myself wondering, if I should make amends
If I should repair, the link long ago broken
Restore the connection and tear down the fence
With many words unsaid, and the false pretenses
How do I accept, that she is not my friend?
She’s not even my mother but simply a stranger
Who gave me life once but wanted me dead

As I look in the mirror, I see her reflection
And touching my skin, it’s an extension of hers
For who I am and what I am was birthed from inside her
Though to this day she refuses to accept me as her own
Despite everything, there’s a corner of my heart
A place that is reserved especially for her
She may continue to loathe me, reject me; even hurt me
With her bitter words and denying my calls
But if I do not mend the bond that was broken
I am certain that her death will be my death after all
A large part of me will die and be buried in her grave
The sun will soon set and my love for her be lost

Priscilla's Story
copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings
Note: spoken word piece
Art by Joe Hendry; 1st & 3rd painting
Art by Natalia Tejera; 2nd painting