Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Can You Hear Me?

Our burden is heavy.  Our baggage weighs much.  The things that once made us laugh no longer do.  We walk the path of the heavy laden.  We carry burdens that keep us bound.  We suppress anger.  We walk into our dark room and shut the door behind.  We seek relief, but relief doesn't live here anymore.   

The prayer wick is dimming.  The candle is almost out and fear creeps in just like it did before.  You know, when we were younger and were afraid of the dark. When we were naïve and didn't know the boogie-man wasn't real. When we felt helpless and utterly alone with no one to save us from darkness. 


Now that we're all grown up, should we still be afraid of the dark?  Should we still feel helpless?


These were my thoughts when I was fighting depression a few years back.  I couldn't understand how a cheerful, bubbly person like me could go from bouncing off walls and slaying dragons, so to speak, to staring out my window with a dazed look on my face.  It was as if I was hypnotized.  I could actually see myself floating over my body, yelling at myself, "Wake up! Wake up! Get out of the dark! You have much to do! You have to live!"  But I was deaf to my own voice. 


As the months went by, I grew lethargic and weary.  My muscles ached all the time.  I couldn't sleep at night and had difficulty getting out of bed during the day.  I suffered crying spells, migraines, anxiety, loss of appetite, and couldn't concentrate on anything.  I wanted to crawl in a hole and simply die.  I didn't want to end it myself, but I did welcome death with open arms.


Silence choked my voice.  My song died.  My dance slumped.  All I wanted to do was scream!!! with every fiber of my soul.  Scream!!! loud enough until my voice was heard.  Scream!!! until I returned to me.  But no one heard and no one cared.  They were all too busy to really see.
  
Still my soul peeked out through tiny windows of my eyes, my hands on the bars of my prison and whispered in anguish...


...Can you hear me?  ... Can you hear me?

Have you been here?  When the burdens feel too heavy to carry? When your voice is not heard?  When you search for rest but can't seem to find it?  If you listen closely, you'll understand that the Lord wants to exchange our burdens for his yoke.  


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Mat 11:28-30 NIV 


When I traveled that path, if nothing else, all I heard was the Word of God resonating in my ears.  His comforting words speaking life back into me.  He breathed his peace over me, everyday...slowly... until I actually felt him close once more.  Until He had become Real to me again. 
When you find yourself lost in darkness and can't seem to find your way back, allow Him to walk you back into the light.  Allow Him to breathe life back into you.  And understand that even if no one else hears you when your soul screams out or simply whispers... Can you hear me?  God hears... He knows... He sees. 


Copyright © 2009 Ellie Kings 
Photo by Joseph Hicklin
Art by Alexandra Louie and Bill Stephens

64 comments:

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Nice post!.
I know God is always here. I am his child.
Blessings

Lily Robinson said...

I have been in that dark room. I thank God that He led me out! He comforts me and lifts me up. I will never fear the dark again!

Tamika: said...

Thank God for his compassions are new each day- great is His faithfulness! He walks with me and talks with me and tells me I'm His own!

V. S said...

You have no idea how much I needed this post. Thank you for your honesty and inspirational words.

Shelli said...

wow this was beautiful - so glad you found happiness again!

Lesley said...

Depression can hit anyone. In fact, I think it sometimes hits the bubbly and cheerful ones the hardest. I'm glad you knew where to look for help. Lovely, uplifting post as always. Thanks Ellie.

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Ellie, this is awesome! Those who know darkness understand exactly where you are coming from. Thank you for sharing your journey and your faith with us. You are beautiful and inspiring.

Tabitha Bird said...

Ellie, oh thank you! I am the girl behind those bars right now. I have been here before and I desperate not to see the door close and the key lock. I am fighting, but the days are soooo long. Thanks for the reminder to hear the voice of the One who hears and sees and knows. Blessings to you.

Matthew said...

I hear you Ellie and Tabitha. I feel like I am constantly "treading water". Wonderful post and the perfect picture to go with it. Thank you Ellie.

Wendy @ All in a Day's Thought said...

"My song died." What a telling and accurate way to nail that feeling.
~ Wendy

Susan R. Mills said...

You amaze me, Ellie! Absolutely beautiful.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Betty~ knowing is one of the things many don't realize. When you do finally know, it is like refreshing waters. xo

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Lily~ Sometimes we have to be in that dark room for a while in order to know when we're in the light. xo

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Tamika~ If not for His compassion, then where would we be. Thank God for that kind of love that forgives, uplifts and guides us all the way. xo

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Victoria~ When you've hit bottom, remember there is no where to go but Up. I pray God gives you strength and continues to guide you out of the dark.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks Shelli... it was truly a dark place, but I did find happiness again thank God. Today I bask in His love.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Lesley~ they say most comedians are individuals fighting depression. Their comedy is to mask what they really feel. Thanks love! xo

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Kristen~ always a sweetheart! The dark is such a lonely place. Looking back now, I know it was necessary for the necessary healing. It's good to come across those that have gone through similar experiences. much love! xo

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Tab~ you're not alone sweetie... you have your family, and us, but most of all you have a wonderful Father who will lead you out of the dark soon. Continue trusting in His word and listen closely to his whispers. He showers you with much love. And soon enough, you will see the light beaming through an open door. This too shall pass! You have God's word! May He keep you under his wings and comfort you in the dark. Much love and hugs!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Matthew~ It does get better, believe me. The dawn will rise again! and the things that held us back or troubled our hearts will be left behind in the dark. Stay strong!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Wendy~ that's exactly how I felt. My song, my dance, my voice died. I had much to say, but my words were lost in the dark. Thank God for his comfort and his compassion. much love xo

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Susan~ hi love, how are you? how are the preparations for Christmas coming? As always, I look forward to your thoughts on my posts, since I feel you're my mentor in the writing process. No pressure at all mama! :D I think of you often. Okay... don't get jealous people... I have more love to share. :)

V. S said...

An award for you.

Alexandra Garland said...

Ellie,
Yes, it's up to us to let Him in...
Beautiful post!!
-Alex

Roxy said...

I had been in this dark room most of this year, until recently. Just as you describe... feeling lost, out of myself, dead inside, in a pit. I'm to thankful to be in the light now, of God's love, of family and friends, and those here, in the blogging community. Beautiful post, and so very real to me... thanks, Ellie. Warm hugs and best wishes!!!

Wine and Words said...

Beautifull put, and encouraging to see the journey. I have written many posts about depression as it is a constant enemy of mine, but God has a greater power and shows it through my battles with this foe.

Mark said...

Excellent writing. We are never alone even in the deepest of valleys and the darkest of darks. The dark too shares a purpose.

Maria I. Morgan said...

We share much in common, Ellie! Anxiety and depression can be used by the enemy of our soul to put a wedge between us and our God. Thank the Lord that He created us to be 'more than conquerors!'

During my time of depression, He used "Believing God," a Bible study by Beth Moore, to get me refocused on Him and off of myself. Our minds are powerful things! Probably why we're to 'stay our minds on Him!'

So thankful that we serve a mighty God! Blessings to you!

Tina Lynn said...

Beautiful post. The imagery is most haunting, and so true. I have suffered from depression most of my life. I love your response above. We wouldn't appreciate the light so much if we never experienced the dark. That's very insightful. It's funny how we know who God is and what He is and still lose sight of His power. It reminds me of the Exodus. These people had seen His wonders with their own eyes, and STILL lost sight of who He was.

"Take another lap around Mt. Sinai..."

:)

~Ellie Kings~ said...

VS~ Thanks sweetie... just grabbed it!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Alex~ keeping the door to my heart wide open. Thanks love! xo

Jill Kemerer said...

There are times in life, and I don't think very many--if any--people escape that are just devastating. Breathing feels like a struggle. Thanks for sharing this. It's a reminder that the dark times DO pass, and that with God's help, we don't have to go through anything alone.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Roxy~ the dark can get pitch black sometimes, but trust that there is a purpose for it, like Mark said in his comment. Stay uplifted and be encouraged in knowing most of us have been in the same dark room, just at different times. hugs! xo

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Wine~ when we fight the same foe over and over, we tend to pick up on their strategies and weaknesses. Getting to know them well, in the end, will be our victory! :) Will check out some of those posts soon. xo

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks Mark, I agree... it's a purpose we find out in time.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Maria~ I knew we were kindred spirits. :) Thank God for the instruments he uses to help when we're in darkness. They're like tiny lamps illuminating the way out. love you! xo

Bethany Mattingly said...

Your post made me thing about me and my life. I'm found sometimes it's necessary for me to see a bit of darkness to know what the light really holds for me. Thanks for the reminder.

Mary said...

I've known that darkness too. Wonderful the way you express how you felt. Something that always helps me to out of my darkness and self pity is to find a way to serve someone else.

Thank you for visiting my blog and for your comment.

Sharon Mayhew said...

Ellie,
That was a tragically beautiful post (with a happy ending). Your voice was exceptional. I felt like you were talking to me and only me. Depression is a strange beast. The whole world can look at your life and see it is wonderful, but when you are there in the arms of the beast you can't see anything but darkness. Thank you for sharing.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Tina~ I've heard it said that when we are in pain, we lose sight of God. Sometimes in takes going around in circles to reach our promised land. Thanks for stopping by.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Jill~ True, It's during those dark times it is difficult to breathe. But when we finally do, that first breath is relief.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Mary~ funny thing is when I was in that dark room, I found myself helping my brother and his family a lot. And that did make me feel a little better. I can't remember the advice too much, but to this day they remind me of that love I showed them while I myself was down. Go figure. Only the grace of God.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Bethany~ my thoughts exactly! Thanks for joining. Blessings!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks Sharon! Well said. That is usually how it is... we put on the mask to hide our pain. Though, we can't hide it from God. If we continue in faith, healing will come with or without the mask.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

I am speechless. Truly. This blog and your post are stunningly beautiful. I saw your award from Bethany and hopped over here - I may never leave. I have been to the dark place you so poignantly describe, and I thank God daily for the joy He sent to replace it. :)

dianne said...

Such a beautiful, inspiring post dear Ellie, I am so happy that you are no longer in the darkness and with your inner strength and help from God, that you are now basking in His light and love. ♡

Aubrie said...

Thanks for following my blog! Do you have any books, short stories out now that I can read?

plainolebob said...

CONGRATS and I hope you are pleased to have been chosen.
Bob at http://plainolebob2.blogspot.com/

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks again Bob! I'm honored. hugs!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Shannon~ Thanks hone! Stay as long as you like. Blessings!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks Dianne! trying to maintain myself within His light... it's the only place I like to be. Have a great weekend!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Aubrie~ you're not the first to ask me that. It saddens me a little that I don't yet, but I am working on it. I guess that's one of the reasons why I started blogging, to share my work with others until I get something published. In the meantime, you could check out a short story I wrote on here. Finding Each Other One Last Time I & II (October archives). I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's a true love story based on my relationship with my fiance. Thanks for your interest. It's heart warming. :)

Jenny Stevning said...

I just found your blog seeing you as a follower of The Golden Fish. I have been there too! You find words to describe it so well. Anguish. Beautiful. Sacred.

Karen Walker said...

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog today and leaving such a lovely comment. Nice "meeting" you.
Karen

T. Anne said...

What a beautiful and lyrical illustration of that deep dark place that all of us go to now and again. Love your voice!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks Jenny, though, I couldn't have described it so well if I hadn't lived it.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks for you kind words T.Anne. If you heard my voice than I must be doing something right. ;)

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Your welcome Karen. Well deserved. Be seeing you soon! :)

Alexander Dyle said...

Ms. Ellie Kings,

Have you seen the Decalogue of ten short films by the late Polish director Krzysztof Kieslowski? It is not based as such on some ten commandments found in the Bible but rather raises interesting questions when the films are viewed as a whole. Questions such as, what should one do if by following one commandment, another is broken?

Decalogue 1 begins with the story of Krzysztof, a rational mathematics professor, & his son, Pawel, who enjoy using their home computer to calculate & give them answers to just about everything in life. They switch on their home computer for almost everything. One day, the topic is ‘ice thickness & skating at the local lake’. Unfortunately, despite the calculations being correct, sometimes there are things in life overlooked...

Decalogue 1 is a good introduction for western viewers into the world of Krzysztof Kieslowski and one that I recommend all to view at least once in their life. Kieslowski once made the point that technology, far from joining people together by means of say, the internet, radio, mobile phones, etc., in fact isolates them more than ever before. For example, you are probably alone as you read these words here.

People are searching for something. All the time now. Google is used by most people every day to search for something. Thousands of people too write blogs trying to express themselves and what has happened to them. They will spend much time, writing, editing & rewriting. Hours, in fact, will fly by. Except for a few, many blogs remain unread, unviewed. People are worried too, but Matthew 6:31-33 says:

“So never be anxious and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or, ‘What are we to drink?’ or, ‘What are we to put on?’ For all these are the things the nations are eagerly pursuing. For your heavenly Father knows you need all these things. Keep on, then, seeking first the kingdom and his righteousness, and all these [other] things will be added to you.”

I bid you a very good day, Ms Ellie Kings.

I remain, &c.
Alexander Dyle

Silver said...

i do know that feeling.. and thank God, there's always hope in Him!

~Silver
Reflections

Girl in My Own World said...

Hey Ellie!!! I love this post!!! I know exactly how this feels, but I am a whole lot better than those days! I am on my way!!!! Thanks for stopping by my blog and for all of you lovely and encouraging comments!!! xoxo!!!

alicia d'mon said...

Nice post! You have such way with words! I wish I could write something just as beautiful!
-Alicia D'mon
couturefromtherunway.blogspot.com

Jody Hedlund said...

Beautiful post, Ellie, as always!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Alexander~ Your words are interesting, though I have to disagree. I've been blogging since September and one thing I've noticed is that someone always reads. Our blogging community is tightly knitted. We encourage each other by visiting often. Stick around a little longer and you'll see what I mean.

Silver, Autumn, Jody... Thanks for your comments. Be 'seeing' you soon.

Alicia~ Thanks for your kind words. It takes time, much suffering, and dedication to write like that. :) We each have gifts. When we know what they are, and pursue them, we thrive.