My Death After All

She was my mother, yet she did not show it

She rejected me, from the very first day

I wanted her affection; she never returned it

She simply did not love me - she told me so herself

She said given the choice, she would have aborted

From the minute I was born, she declared her hate

When I was days old, she attempted to drown me

She hid me below water, like I was a mistake

If it wasn’t for my grandma; my tiny body struggling

There are no doubts today; I’m sure I would be dead

But heaven didn’t want me, the angels weren’t waiting

For the hand of God itself, held and kept me safe

So because she couldn't kill me; within a month, she left me

Discarded like old shoes damaged by the rain

Mother you can have her, for I do not want her

This is the dreadful woman; who solely gave me breath

But she was just the vessel and nothing more to me

The hatred that she showed me, I gave it in return

If she had been special, if she would have loved me

Maybe I’d be different, maybe I’d be saved

From the issue of resentment; I’d been more sensitive

When I learned leukemia has left her in a bed

That it raided her blood and to her bones was spreading

That she lays there in pain,’til in six months she’s dead

I was not made in love; her words are still ringing

In the memory of a child, not cherished on that day

But there was no remorse and there was no forgiveness

Just an empty void of the wall she built with hate

And yet today, more than thirty years later

I find myself wondering, if I should make amends

If I should repair, the link long ago broken

Restore the connection and tear down the fence

With many words unsaid, and the false pretenses

How do I accept, that she is not my friend?

She’s not even my mother but simply a stranger

Who gave me life once but wanted me dead

As I look in the mirror, I see her reflection

And touching my skin, it’s an extension of hers

For who I am and what I am was birthed from inside her

Though to this day she refuses to accept me as her own

Despite everything, there’s a corner of my heart

A place that is reserved especially for her

She may continue to loathe me, reject me; even hurt me

With her bitter words and denying my calls

But if I do not mend the bond that was broken

I am certain that her death will be my death after all

A large part of me will die and be buried in her grave

The sun will soon set and my love for her be lost

Priscilla's Story
copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings
Note: spoken word piece
Art by Joe Hendry; 1st & 3rd painting
Art by Natalia Tejera; 2nd painting

CAN WE START OVER

I’ve done things I’m not too proud of Abba. I’ve run away from you far too many times. Is it because I choose to be rebellious? Or is it because I’m afraid You might know best for me?

I’ve learned many lessons the hard way. My garments have gone from silk robes to filthy rags. I’ve lost the ring you gave me. I searched for it, I did, but Father I just never found it.

I also lost the inheritance you gave me when I left home. I know I asked for it on my way out.  I tried to make it out there on my own. I tried not to waste every cent on drugs or alcohol or even all the partying, but somehow after a few months, it was gone! All of it, all of it! And I found myself poor, hungry, and most of all … I was lost!

Many times I thought to myself of all the riches and the food and the joy and love that I had left behind with you. But I couldn’t bring myself to come back home. I couldn’t!

I mean, what would you think of me? Look at me, look how dirty I’ve become … You probably wouldn’t even recognize me. You’d probably think that I am a beggar off the streets. Oh Abba Father, what you must think of me now. I’m such a failure! I failed you Adonai. I didn’t mean to do it, but I did and I regret it.

I didn’t mean to end up in this condition. I had so many plans. I wanted to buy a big house and fill it with all the things I had back home, but that didn’t happen. I thought that my thoughts were like your thoughts and that my ways would be like your ways but somehow, somewhere … I lost my way! I lost everything!

I never got the house or the family. There was no room for happiness or love. I wasted the riches and I wasted time. But… I don’t want to waste time anymore! I want to come back home.


I know what I will do… I’ll try my best to hide what I’ve done. I’ll try to wash my filthy rags and make them look like new. And then, maybe, then you’ll welcome me back into your home and call me your daughter again.

There! That should do it… I look much better now.

I’m almost there… just a little further to go… just over that hill and I’m back home.

I think I see him now. Yes, that’s Him… that’s my Abba! I have to walk a little faster, maybe I should run…. I’ll run back into his arms and everything will be just fine.

Hi Abba,, Do you recognize me?
I mean, I know I’ve changed a lot but I washed up so I wouldn’t stink of sin in front of you. I didn’t want you to see me the way I really was. I didn’t want you to know that I was confused and that I forgot what you taught me. And how much you loved me. I didn’t want you to know that I had lost the ring you gave me or your riches.  And Abba, I didn’t want you to know that I had lost my way back home. I couldn’t remember… I just couldn’t remember the way.

I tried not to forget. But I met a lot of people who I called friends and I got involved with so many bad things: the alcohol, the drugs and the sex. They made me forget. Those things made me forget about You and of home, and about the love I felt when I was home.

Can you forgive me? Can you forget the things I’ve done? Has your love for me changed because I’ve done so much wrong? Oh Abba, Can I get another ring? I just want to belong to you again. Can I come back home? I’ve missed you so. Can we start over? I’d like to start over again! Can we? Can we start over?

Hi Abba, My name is Elizabeth, consecrated to you,  and I am your daughter… I belong to You and only You!

copyright © 2003 by Ellie Kings
Inspired by the Prodigal Son
Paintings by Joey Remmers