Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Death After All

She was my mother, yet she did not show it
She rejected me, from the very first day
I wanted her affection; she never returned it
She simply did not love me - she told me so herself
She said given the choice, she would have aborted
From the minute I was born, she declared her hate
When I was days old, she attempted to drown me
She hid me below water, like I was a mistake
If it wasn’t for my grandma; my tiny body struggling
There are no doubts today; I’m sure I would be dead
But heaven didn’t want me, the angels weren’t waiting
For the hand of God itself, held and kept me safe

So because she couldn't kill me; within a month, she left me
Discarded like old shoes damaged by the rain
Mother you can have her, for I do not want her
This is the dreadful woman; who solely gave me breath
But she was just the vessel and nothing more to me
The hatred that she showed me, I gave it in return
If she had been special, if she would have loved me
Maybe I’d be different, maybe I’d be saved
From the issue of resentment; I’d been more sensitive
When I learned leukemia has left her in a bed
That it raided her blood and to her bones was spreading
That she lays there in pain,’til in six months she’s dead

I was not made in love; her words are still ringing
In the memory of a child, not cherished on that day
But there was no remorse and there was no forgiveness
Just an empty void of the wall she built with hate
And yet today, more than thirty years later
I find myself wondering, if I should make amends
If I should repair, the link long ago broken
Restore the connection and tear down the fence
With many words unsaid, and the false pretenses
How do I accept, that she is not my friend?
She’s not even my mother but simply a stranger
Who gave me life once but wanted me dead

As I look in the mirror, I see her reflection
And touching my skin, it’s an extension of hers
For who I am and what I am was birthed from inside her
Though to this day she refuses to accept me as her own
Despite everything, there’s a corner of my heart
A place that is reserved especially for her
She may continue to loathe me, reject me; even hurt me
With her bitter words and denying my calls
But if I do not mend the bond that was broken
I am certain that her death will be my death after all
A large part of me will die and be buried in her grave
The sun will soon set and my love for her be lost

Priscilla's Story
copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings
Note: spoken word piece
Art by Joe Hendry; 1st & 3rd painting
Art by Natalia Tejera; 2nd painting


Kay said...

for one to forgive, than who is to blame? ouch...a hard piece, a hard space...forgiveness key.

Tabitha Bird said...

Ellie, your words girl... wow. I am crying as I type. I don't know if this story/poem is about you or another or complete fiction, but I felt this one in the fiber of who I am. I was abused as a child. And have since cut all ties with my father. I forgive him, but there is no possibility of rebuilding a relationship because he denies everything. I cannot rebuild a relationship on lies however much I want to rebuild. Sometimes forgiveness means letting go and walking away. I am hopeful, even though he is the only father I will ever have, that God can fill the void within me.

Thank you for your words :)

Lesley said...

Powerful and beautiful words, Ellie. It's amazing how much pain a human soul can survive.

Susan R. Mills said...

Very powerful! I cried. Thanks a lot. :)

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Wow. That is beautiful.

Craftsman of light said...

Your words make me so silent...but my heart is full of love,

Something beautiful is growing here
waiting to touch those rivers that seem to have stopped flowing,

The truth is - they have been flowing inspite of us, inspite of our denials, and our reconcilations....and our eyes have always been carrying them.

We look up at the clouds and sun to rise and set across the universe....sprinkling this untouched beauty that is within us, because life is only about healing!

How i could hug you!

Tamika: said...

Powerful post.

I am lost for words. Thank you for sharing your work.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Kay~ Welcome! I agree, forgiveness is the key in order to be released.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Tab~ this is a true story. It belongs to my best friend Priscilla. Amazingly, you and I share the same story. Your words are my own. I'm still learning to forgive my father. Like you said, sometimes letting go and walking away works for victims/survivors like you and I, especially if they're in denial. One step at a time baby girl. One prayer at a time for healing to take place.
Big Hugs!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Lesley~ If not with the strength of God, I don't know where we would all be. There is but so much we can handle, and only He knows its purpose.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Susan~ sorry, didn't mean to make you cry :) but I'm glad you were touched.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Thanks Kristen!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Craftsman~ Thank you for your motivating words. I agree, life and all its beauty provide for much healing, even if it does take decades.
Big hug!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Tamika~ no thank you, for taking the time to read it and appreciate it. I truly do cherish all of you and your kind words.

Anonymous said...

Very sad but well written piece.

BTW Blaise would be so happy to read your comment and to know his words live on/are still appreciated.Thanbk you.

DreamDancer said...

I could feel Priscilla's pain through reading this.. so tragic. Forgiveness is so hard in some situations. I have found myself faced with the burden of knowing that forgiveness is the "right" thing to do, yet afraid of reopening the wounds by offering a truce. Touching post, Ellie.

Dulce said...

Forgiving is the only way for you to get rid of that pain. But Gosh this is so difficult. She is not your mother but the one who gave you birth... mothers are such a different thing. Nature here has lots to say. A cow could be your mother as well, a pig or a dynosaur! What's the difference? Your real mother was your grandmother I think.
This is so sad Elli dear...
I am sorry.. But go ahead and have children and love them as they deserve.
Sweet hug

Alexandra Garland said...

Very powerful and thought provoking story. As hard as it is sometimes I do believe that everything happens for a reason. It may take a long time to figure it out... forgiveness lets us heal and until we heal our life can not be fulfilling us completely.
Beautiful post!!

Veronica Barton-Dean said...


That's beautiful and touches parts of me that only I could every truly understand.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

SarahA~ Thank you, it is indeed a sad story.

Veronica~ I pray that you receive the healing only God can give.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Dream~ I agree, some situations are tough to forgive, but we must. If not for them, for us, for our healing.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Dulce~ Thank you for your kind words, but this is not my story, but my best friend's Priscilla. She's suffered much because of the lack of love from her mother. But you're right, her true mother was her grandmother. And she recognizes it, though the hurt is there. Priscilla actually has a darling little girl whom she gives all her love to. xo

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Alex~ so true, though healing does take time and even then, when you think you've reached it, there is still more healing to be found. Believe me, this I know firsthand. xo

Mark said...

Very powerful! There is purpose in all, even this!

Dulce said...

Oh I am glad it's not you.YET a very sad story my dear!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Mark~ Indeed there is purpose. Thank you!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Dulce~ Thank you sweetie, though Priscilla's pain is my own, for she's like a sister.

Anne Lang Bundy said...

Only someone with as hauntingly beautiful eyes and smile as yours might have written this, Ellie.

I'm touched by your depth of empathy. The hidden pain of women is a major theme in my biblical fiction, based on a lifetime of sharing it, and experiencing it myself. What you've written here moves my soul in the place from which I write.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Anne~ Welcome! and thank you for your kind words, you're sweet!