Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Shadow of Depression

Many of you know I suffered the loss of my one true Love in December 2009, but what some don't know is that my mourning turned into severe depression because of it. I've gone through four of the five stages of Grief and am currently in my last one.

The first was Denial. I couldn't believe that my best friend and love of my life was gone... truly gone... forever. That I would never see his beautiful smile again, never hear his contagious laughter, never feel his arms cradling me to sleep. I thought it was a horrible nightmare I'd wake up from the next morning and everything I knew to be true, would be exactly how I left it the night before. That he'd wake me with a morning kiss, tell me how much he loved me for the millionth time and all would be right with our world. I waited many months for that day to come, but it never arrived.

My world was turned upside down. I had lost my Love and with him our home, the one place I felt safe. I lost the things that furnished our lives decorating our hearts with care. And from there I stepped into Anger. I was angry at myself for not being able to stop his death. I was angry at him for leaving me so soon, thinking we'd grow old together. And I was angry at God for taking him from me. I, soon, made peace with myself, with him and with God but not before wishing my own death to be with my Love. A few months after the anger, I moved onto Bargaining.

I bargained with God to take my life for his. To bring him back to his loved ones, to take their pain away. Maybe if I had prayed more, fasted more often, dedicated my life to helping more. Maybe if we had not moved away or stayed closer to family, maybe I could've prevented it somehow. So many whys and so many maybes.

As the days & months passed the fourth stage set in; Depression. This one lasted the longest. The feeling of being lost with a sadness and hopelessness cutting so deep, it almost vanished my existence. True, I had battled depression before. But this was different. It was more severe. It was abrupt & harsh. I spiraled down a dark abyss that no matter how much climbing I did, I couldn't get out. I felt gagged, bound and left for dead. I could see the world revolving around me, but somehow I remained in the same place, stuck in quicksand. I didn't have words, smiles, or laughter. My songs were gone with the wind. I was paralyzed in fear. I didn't know what to do, where to go or who to turn to who would understand my heartache. I was silent with God and with most of my family & friends. I was traumatized by a hurting present and confused by the unknown future.

The depression was much more than I could bear, but if not for God's strength, I surely would have died. He kept me together even when I thought I would lose my mind. Even when I thought I was undone. Even when I was disheartened, and hated being in my own skin. If not for my loving God, my dear mother, family & close friends... I surely would not be alive to tell my story.

I am now dealing with Acceptance. Yes, I have accepted he's gone, but I have not completely said my goodbyes. I'm holding on tight to a memory that knaws away at my insides. I still speak & dream of him often, think of him daily and ache to hold him again. Sometimes, I smile when no one is looking, daydreaming of little things he'd say or do, just to hear me laugh. I still haven't the slightest clue how to say goodbye. At what point do I let go and move on with my life? I am trying to let go, really I am. But when I find myself laughing more often or actually having a good day, the guilt sets in. The guilt of leaving him behind, of not deserving happiness without him. The guilt of living.

Coming out of my grief & depression, I am now in the shadow of that depression. I've been told that just before you're actually out of it, when you're more optimistic and actually want to live again, you fall back into the hole. Temporarily. The shadow pursues me wherever I go, imitating the sadness I've felt for so long, confusing me. It frightens me in thinking that I have taken several steps back. That I will fall into the darkness again and never be able to step into the light.

But God!

He is my strength & my comforter! He reminds me & I repeat to myself-  it is just a shadow. It is not real. It cannot hurt me anymore than what I've been hurt. I am a survivor. I've endured much in life, but this is the deepest heartache of them all. If I've survived this... I can survive anything! I am more than a conquerer! I am ... fearless!

© Aug 2012  Ellie Kings
Art: Desolation by Karen Koski


dianne said...

Oh Ellie sweet friend, that is so sad and it is no surprise to me that you would go through these stages of mourning and then a deep depression.
When I think of what you have been through,the suffering from the loss of your one true Love, little wonder that you have have experienced the awful depths and pain of depression.
You cannot bargain with God to bring him back and take you in his place, he would be feeling the same as you have felt and your family would be devastated too if they were to lose you. I do understand, I have done some bargaining myself, not on the same scale but anything to bring this person whom I care for back into my life. Death is tragic and almost impossible to accept, but separation in life without any explanation why is also so hard to bear.
It is alright to accept that your Love has gone, you do not have to forget the love that you shared together, something so special should always be remembered. You can still move on without feeling any guilt my dear, I am sure that he would want you to find peace and happiness again.
I hope you can step out of this shadow of depression and move forward into the light, God and your family will help you.
I was looking at some of my previous posts last night at some of the lovely comments that my friend left and those that you had left prior to December, 2009, your beautiful, happy face and I thought how much your life has changed and I prayed that you would find that happiness again one day.
God bless you dear Ellie, I think of you daily and pray for you to be whole again.
Sincerely and with love, your friend Dianne.
xoxoxo ♡

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Dianne you have moved me with your sweet words. As always being kind & comforting. Thank you for being you, for your friendship & inspiration. I hope you find your peace & happiness as well & that God gives you the strength to withstand the pain. All my love sweet friend!

Steve E said...

This too shall pass...I wish there were a magic phrase I might offer to alleviate your suffering. But--no matter WHAT I believe--the truth is (I hate to admit this sometimes!) I AM NOT GOD!

Therein lies your consolation, your hope for recovery from this obsessive affliction.

Kahlil Gibran writes eloquently of Love in THE PROPHET (Page 11)

"For even as Love crowns you, so shall he crucify you.Even as he is for your growth, so he is for your pruning..."


Thisisme. said...

My heart feels for you having to go through this dreadful time. I'm not sure which stage of the grieving process would be the hardest, but I am so thankful that you are still holding on to your faith. Without God, where would you be. Where would any of us be. I pray that you will continue to heal.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Steve it's good to know I have friends here who would love to alleviate the pain, & that I'm not alone. I have you to make me smile. :) I'm feeling a lot better today so although you're not God :D your prayers & well wishes are answered as I type. Oh and thanks for the link. I love Kahlil Gibran! Love & hugs!

~Ellie Kings~ said...

ThisisMe- The worst part for me is the depression because it lasted the longest & I am almost out, I hope. Thank you so much for your prayers & love. I have nothing else to hold onto but faith & hope, so I have no choice but to trust God. He has always known best for my life; in joys & sorrows. Much love! xoxo

Peaches Ledwidge said...

Ellie, this is a poignant post and I agree with Steve that "This too shall pass...."

When my sister died, I went on a similar path. So I believe "that this too shall pass."

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Welcome Peaches! I am sorry for the loss of your sister. We both know death is surreal. It rips our hearts to pieces but we heal, though, we always remember. In the end, we obtain the inner peace we thought we'd lost forever. I pray you have found yours. I'm still working on grasping mine. There r days better than others but I'm getting close to the mark. Thanx again for dropping by. :)

Ricardo Miñana said...

El amor es un largo camino lleno de obstáculos que tenemos que ir sorteando en la vida,
se vive y se goza cuando se comparte y duele cuando se rompe.
feliz semana.

~Ellie Kings~ said...

Muy cierto Ricardo. Gracias por tus palabras, indican que tu tambien has gozado y sufrido un amor. Que estes bien.