TODAY I CRIED

Today I cried.

I cried for all the things I could have done but have not finished yet. I cried for a Past I thought I let go, yet somehow draws me back.

Today I cried.

I cried for the Little things that mean so much and yet I take for granted. I cried for the Big things; the dreams I once had and still have not fulfilled.

Today I cried.

I cried for the childhood friends I left behind when innocence was blissful. I cried for the family who moved away to a place they called Better.

 

Today I cried. 

I cried for all the Good people... My Mentors, My Pastors, My Life coaches who came into my life for a Season. I also cried for all the Bad people... who God allowed to be my stumbling block, my brick wall, my Goliath. The ones that threw their stones without any kind of Reason.

Today I cried.

I cried for all the wonderful friendships I've lost along the Path to self discovery. I cried for those few men who loved me yet I could never reciprocate their love. I cried for all the men I believed in but never kept their promise nor honored their word. 

Today I cried.

I cried for that One Man who I will truly love forever; although he no longer walks this Earth. The Man who loved and defended every side of me... the Right and the Wrong. I cried for that Man who everyday reminded me that I was Beautiful... in the Moonlight, in the Daylight and every second in between.

Today I cried.

I cried for all the lonely nights I spend By myself and the stagnant days I spend With myself. I cried for a Future that is unknown; for a Possibility that might never be; for a Door that is still locked and somehow... somewhere I've lost the key.

Today I cried.

I cried for Me... For that shy and frightened little girl I used to be; for the confused teenager I left behind; writing down her dreams, anticipating her bright future and always wearing her Joy and Peace. I cried for that young woman's Broken heart and crushed spirit; watching the endless Sea of Disappointments, Sorrow and Despair as they washed up the shore... for even the depths of the ocean couldn't bury them.

Today I cried.

I cried for the child I will never bear and the family I will never call my own. I cried because through the Tears of Today; I realized something...

Tomorrow has Yet to come. 

All the heartaches in life could never equal to all the Valuable Lessons learned. I might not be where I thought I'd be in life Today, but I am still Thankful to be Alive. And when the time comes, my clock stands still and I head toward my final Resting place, I will honestly admit...

It was not the Life I would have chosen for myself, nor did I treasure every second of my days; but One thing I can be certain of, Without a doubt... I Never walked Alone. Because the Lover of my Soul held my hand All the Way.  Tomorrow... I will Smile again.

© 2017 By Ellie Kings

All Rights Reserved

Insomnia

Ever so often you can't sleep, thinking upon the things you didn't accomplish throughout the day. You know? the little things that lead to bigger questions. You ask yourself, ' Was I productive enough?' 'Did I accomplish my goals for the day?' 'Am I headed in the right direction?'

Insomnia... It keeps me up at night. It doesn't wonder if I've I slept enough or ask if it's time to sleep. I've often wondered if I started counting the sheep that so many others count, will I too fall asleep?

What is it that keeps us up at night? Could it be that darkness is much quieter than daylight? Is it that we think deeper at night? Pondering on one of the items we forgot to check off on our to-do-lists. Or could it be something greater... something deeper... something that gnaws at you, creating an abyss of questions, and leaving you longing for something more!

The gifts which have been bestowed upon us that we've buried in time.The death of a loved one whom we never told 'goodbye'. The endless invites of family weddings and picnics you never attended. The long distance between you and those you'd love to be with.

Thinking back on the things we wanted to do years ago, but were too afraid to do them. And now... Well now, is it too late to even try?

So what really keeps us awake at night? Is it the dirty dishes in the sink or the dirty dishes in our mind? Though, the dishes in the sink can be easily washed and put away. But is it as easy to wash the dirty dishes in our mind? The 'could have, should have, would have' statements that we casually repeat time and time again to excuse the things we didn't do in life. Not because we couldn't, but because we allowed so many things to get in the way. Fear. Procrastination. Lethargy.

And now? Where am I now? Where are you now?

There is still time right? Didn't Warren Zevon say it best?... 'I'll sleep when I'm dead.'

When you can't sleep and find yourself wondering why your life didn't go as you planned. Why you never finished writing that book or playing that instrument or singing that song or travelling the world or falling in love or washing those dishes... Just remember these words; As long as you have a beating heart, breath in your lungs, and the strength of a lion; or a lamb...

                                                             There is still time!

'My mission in life is not merely to survive but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style.'  Maya Angelo



Copyright ©July 2016 Ellie Kings
All Rights Reserved.
Sleeping woman painting -Pinterest

A Little Life

As we walk into another year of the 21st century, I am reminded that life can be so fleeting. Many of the living are left behind to endure the painful loss of loved ones year after year.  Death is certain.  When your clock tells the stop-time, there is no cheating death.

During the 19th century, German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said some very wise words that have transcended time.        

 "Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death." 

If we find that we are born a little each day and die a little each night, maybe we'll be conscious enough not to take life for granted and enjoy every day as if it were our last. 

Burying another year and welcoming the New Year 2014, I must say, I'm impacted by some of last year's deaths, more notably Paul Walker and Nelson Mandela. 

The Chicago Tribune stated that no drugs or alcohol were found in the body of actor Paul Walker after a fiery car crash killed him and a friend in November. But they were traveling at 'an unsafe speed, approximately 100+ mph' (according to a coroner's report)


As one who enjoys speeding from time to time, I'm not one to judge. But I am sadden by the loss of a talented young actor who I'm sure, to his family and friends, left more that the "Fast and Furious" blockbuster movies.

Most of you, who have lost a loved one, are aware that death is surreal. Death doesn't play favorites. It took over three years for me to say the words, "I can breathe again." And just when I was learning to breathe again, death knocked on my father's door, taking him away at almost sixty years old.

The loss of a loved one can be devastating, no matter if it's a sudden death or a long drawn-out one. I would be lying if I said the hurt is the same with each death. I believe after a few losses your heart goes numb, not necessarily feeling nothing, but more like learning to survive with all of its punches. Grief knocks the wind out of you and usually we aren't sure if to breathe or to cry out. But when we do catch our breath, we think back on all of the time we spent not living.

Our loved ones wouldn't have wanted us to curl up and die with them. On the contrary, they'd want us to live, to breathe, to dance, to sing, to dream and to believe that there is a purpose even in death. Even if we never know the answers to the 'why's'.

Nelson Mandela also dying in 2013 'never wavered in his devotion to democracy, equality and learning. Despite terrible provocation, he never answered racism with racism. His life has been an inspiration to all who are oppressed and deprived. While facing the death penalty his words to the court at the end of his famous ‘Speech from the Dock’ on 20 April 1964 became immortalized:'

“I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if need be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.”

Mandela, like Walker and our loved ones, left behind a legacy, whether big or small. Let us take the time to honor them and our loved ones by keeping their memory and our spirits alive. 

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." Deut.30:19

With this new year comes new possibilities, new hopes and new goals. Let us learn to leave the past in the past and grasp tightly the reins of the future. Let us learn to live and breathe again because merely existing is not an option. We are survivors of loss, sadness and grief. Though, a New day emerges. And it brings with it life and death. Choose Life!


Copyright © 2014 Ellie Kings All Rights Reserved
References: Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker

25 Twenty Five Years with God

This is a very special October for me. I am celebrating two anniversaries. My second anniversary here in the state of Rhode Island and my 25th Anniversary with the Lord.

It's amazing that I stayed this long in a place where I was just stopping by for two weeks. It goes to show how our plans are not always God's purposes. But I am grateful to God for guiding my every step, especially during a time when I was blinded by sorrow. The Lord has been very good to me. He surely loves the way I love to love; passionately, unconditionally and intensely. It must be why we are called his children.

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."         Proverbs 19:21

I can still remember the day I accepted the Son of God as my Savior. I was barely sixteen, sweet, innocent and very naïve mind you. Fortunately, the Lord took my hand all the way and my heart was inclined to His Word and not man's.

The baby steps were difficult, but very important. I stumbled many times in the beginning because I wanted to run when I still crawled. I held religion close to heart, obeying His Word at each letter. Now that I've grown more in the Lord, I've come to understand it is not about religion, but about a wonderful relationship with our heavenly father. For you must know, we no longer live under the law but under the grace of God.

As the years passed, I'm very pleased to say I was 'convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, would be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Jesus our Lord'. (Romans 8:38-39)

Yet, I learned there are times when the weak say we are strong, but don't necessarily feel it. We lose hope and our faith diminishes. The struggles and scars in the battles of life leave us breathless. And sometimes we walk away from God, not realizing leaving Him behind is the worst mistake we could possibly make. We try it our way for a while and when we notice it doesn't work without the Lord in the equation, we come back to Him. If you've been here at any point in your life, then you know that it only takes one prayer to get back into God's good graces. The good thing is He doesn't hold a grudge. He will love you even when it looks like He doesn't. He will love you even when you've left him a dozen times or betrayed him a hundred more.

If you don't remember anything else in life, remember this: The Lord is a very loving Father. There will always be room at his house for you. He will always gather you with loving kindness and tender mercies. Don't give up or disappear on Him cause He hasn't given up on you.

To read the words to this poetry/spoken word piece, go directly to my YouTube channel. © 2013 Ellie Kings

Dry Land

Dip Me in His Blood

Bring on the Champion

It appears, the world loves to fight! It's in human nature to stand for what we believe in; to defend our point of view and the things we value most! We fight to obtain that which we want out of life; whether it be a championship belt, a winning goal, a clean bill of Health, or a mind at Peace.

Our arms & legs in a defense position, sword thrusting, blood gushing, body sweating- Ah... the anticipation of a good battle! Like the strong gladiators in Rome, the disciplined Samurai in Japan, or the Sambo of Russia, the Muay Thai of Thailand, the MCMAP of the United States, the Silat of Malaysia, the Eskrima of the Philippines, and the Krav Maga of Israel. When fighting against the Enemy, we should all imitate a hungry lion letting out his roar just before his fatal kill.

It really doesn't matter what we're fighting for, as long as we stay in the fight. Make sure you stay in it to win it. Use every single drop of energy you have. Strategize your opponent's style of fighting. Study your Enemy's moves, his weaknesses, and his strengths just as he studies yours.

"For our struggle is not against human opponents, but against rulers, authorities, cosmic powers in the darkness around us, and evil spiritual forces in the heavenly realm."    Eph. 6:12

Take a UFC fighter for example. In each of the five rounds for a title bout, his mission is to knock his opponent out or to hold him in a submission position until he taps out. Fighting mixed martial arts, (using different techniques & strategies) he tries his best to win the round (battle). But if he doesn't, he'll try again in the next one. Going in a little more tired but he continues the fight until he brings on the champion in him and finally wins the Championship title belt.

"Más sabe el Diablo por viejo que por diablo." (The devil knows more because he's old, not because he's the devil.)  Spanish Proverb

We should be more like UFC fighters when it comes to fighting for God and against the Enemy. Let us use a full range of mixed martial arts. Studying the Enemy's moves, strategize the best techniques (prayers, obedience and acts of love) to hold our Enemy under submission or knocking him out all together. Remembering that each day is a daily battle for a bigger war. Yes, we could easily throw in the towel before actually fighting a good fight or we can give the Devil hell! What would you rather do to gain that Championship crown? Submit or knock him out?! Me? I'd rather go in with courage, knock him out, get my belt(crown) and walk out with my greatest reward, Eternal Life!

"Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12

© Sep 2013 Ellie Kings
Digital Art: Juniper Jones
References:  Six Great Martial Arts & wiki: Ultimate Fighting Championship

A World without Fear

There are some things that keep your mind occupied for years. Unfortunately for me, Binding Fear,  has been one of them. To remind me that it no longer has control over my life, I've decided to write of it again. One of my goals currently, is to work on that fear, take up my cross and be a Brave soldier for the kingdom of God.

~Take Courage~

Have you ever thought, what would you do if you lived without fear? The kind of fear that paralyzes you to the point of doing absolutely nothing with your life. Afraid of becoming a failure or a success stumps every idea, dream, plan or project from being fulfilled.

Something is holding us back. The question is what.  Procrastination? Lethargy? or the fear of...?

God didn't give us the spirit of fear, yet many of us carry it with us wherever we go. It's as if fear is part of our wardrobe. A cloak we put on as soon as we wake in the morning. Standing in front of the mirror of truth, we see nothing more than someone lacking the courage to pursue dreams, finish projects, and slay dragons (well, maybe the Prince can slay the dragons). We reach for the mark, but the mark is almost unattainable and far out of reach.  Mostly, preferring the quiet of our comfort zone, we quit at the beginning of the race.

For one moment, close your eyes, and imagine with me a world without Fear? If everyone, I mean, literally, every single person on Earth had NO FEAR- How would our World be then? I believe there would be peace on Earth. No wars, no violence, no crime, no poverty, no hunger. Our world would be prosperous, productive, and fruitful. Success would ring, like chimes, out in the streets. Joy would be our daily manna. All would be wise and wealthy. If only...

If we are to fear anything in life, let us fear God. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!"  Psalm 111:10  Let us prove to our Lord that we honor and respect him. Should we fear Him, we will have the knowledge to overcome the fears that hold us back from finishing the good work of the Lord.

"Therefore, do not fear them. For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be shown." Matthew 10:26

Today, I am given another perspective of the above Word. I think of the many gifts God has given us which we have hidden and covered. We've buried them because of the spirit of fear. But when the Lord returns, we know He will ask for interest on that gift.

So Let us put aside fear, and uncover the gifts to change our world, within the World. Reveal and share the talents He's given you to family, friends and others!  Use your courage & wisdom to uncover all the good things (ideas, plans, projects, gifts) that are in you. Take a risk! Write down the vision and make it plain on tablets... For it awaits an appointed time... though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. Habakkuk 2:2-3

Take time to lift your head with courage and knowledge to defeat the tactics of your Enemy. It can take thousands of failures before coming into success. Let me remind you, success is the product of trial & error. So try and try again until you finally face the fear that holds you back from accomplishing yours dreams and seeing the vision come alive.

Join me in conquering FEAR again & again; As many fights as it takes- to create a beautiful, fruitful world where all who have golden ideas and promising dreams will see them fulfilled sooner than later. Let us be brave, build towards a better tomorrow and live in a World without Fear!



© August 2013 Ellie Kings
Art: A Questionable Risk by Joey Remmers

SHE IS...

Written for me, by a dear friend, during a trying time. It honors me to know that I can impact someone in a special way. Thank you Hector.

She is like the sky, the moon, and the stars
her daylight brings calm, joy,

and peace in ones soul
her words are as the guiding moonlight

that does not leave one in the dark

her presence is like the stars

that bring a warm glow to ones heart

She is the fresh scent of a flower

She is the voice of reason

She is the angel of God's word

She is the lifter of ones heart

As she lives, and walks throughout her day

Never noticing... 

She brings meaning to the day

She is all these things and more

 As I stop to think of all of the things

that God has given me

whether it be the warmth of the sun

the cool breeze in the summer

or the smell of millions of flowers in the meadow

I thank God for her,

for it was He who decided

to combine all of these things

into one person

I call her my lifter, my voice in the dark,

but most importantly, I call her my friend.

© 2002 Hector Agosto
For Ellie Kings  

Art: Constellation by Karen Koski     

Forgetting Love

love said to forget

    how could I forget him

his heart stitched to mine

    and when he died so did I

love wished me to forget

     I refused to...

still holding onto him

     willing him to breathe

he never did...   so I dreamed

and without me noticing

                        I, too, danced a waltz with Death

while Death breathed in my life

     And I was...

dancing slowly

       breathing softly

exhaling calmly  

        screaming quietly

the years passed

    I tried and tried

but I couldn't hold onto Forever

  I had to forget

I had to forget love 
kill Death
and invite Life again

© August 2013 Ellie Kings

Digital Art: Kiss of Death & Dancing with Death

by Michelle Monique

A Colorful World





My world is filling with color all the shades of gray that engulfed my heart. Strength and Courage along with Peace & Joy are becoming my best allies now. I'm coming out of the dark cave to see the sunlight shine on me once more.

I've decided... to Live; to breathe. I really had no choice in the matter. God had other plans for me, just as He has for you. I thank the Lord for the courage to face the unknown future again. Come let us face it together.

Walking out of the dark has taught me to focus my sight on the brighter things of life & let go of things I cannot change. After three and a half years, I've come to the realization it's not my time to die. God hasn't stopped my clock yet. Nor has He stopped yours.

For a long time, I couldn't see in the dark. My heart hardened, grew confused, and couldn't rest. If not for the Lord, I surely would have fainted forever. But GOD! ...

Our Daddy... All powerful, all merciful, encouraging & loving. He never lets us down even when we feel all hope is lost. I am so grateful to Him for breathing life back in me and renewing my mind.

Death is so final, but Life is a gift we should always treasure. Don't allow the death of a loved one drain the life out of your life. It's the last thing our loved ones would've wanted. Be encouraged in knowing we will see them again in the Kingdom of  Heaven.

Thanks again, family and friends for encouraging me & being patient to see Me get back to Me at last.

Come join me, in adding color back in our world. Let us live for God, for ourselves and our families.

© August 2013 Ellie Kings

Art: Galeria Todo por el Arte Faleroni

Alone without my Words

When I'm alone, I think...
of many things keeping me up at night
Wonderful words waking me in the early hour 
I toss and turn as they slip away, out of reach
In my dreams, sitting at the edge of the shore
Waiting for them to return to me
The wind is fierce, it hits my face and I can't breathe
The fog has come and I can't see
Where are the words that made me speak?
I can almost touch them, but they wither back to sea.

And I sit alone without my words
Without my poems, without my songs, without my speech.

I miss my words.
Come back to me...

© September 2012 Ellie Kings
Art by David Revoy

The Shadow of Depression

Many of you know I suffered the loss of my one true Love in December 2009, but what some don't know is that my mourning turned into severe depression because of it. I've gone through four of the five stages of Grief and am currently in my last one.

The first was Denial. I couldn't believe that my best friend and love of my life was gone... truly gone... forever. That I would never see his beautiful smile again, never hear his contagious laughter, never feel his arms cradling me to sleep. I thought it was a horrible nightmare I'd wake up from the next morning and everything I knew to be true, would be exactly how I left it the night before. That he'd wake me with a morning kiss, tell me how much he loved me for the millionth time and all would be right with our world. I waited many months for that day to come, but it never arrived.

My world was turned upside down. I had lost my Love and with him our home, the one place I felt safe. I lost the things that furnished our lives decorating our hearts with care. And from there I stepped into Anger. I was angry at myself for not being able to stop his death. I was angry at him for leaving me so soon, thinking we'd grow old together. And I was angry at God for taking him from me. I, soon, made peace with myself, with him and with God but not before wishing my own death to be with my Love. A few months after the anger, I moved onto Bargaining.

I bargained with God to take my life for his. To bring him back to his loved ones, to take their pain away. Maybe if I had prayed more, fasted more often, dedicated my life to helping more. Maybe if we had not moved away or stayed closer to family, maybe I could've prevented it somehow. So many whys and so many maybes.

As the days & months passed the fourth stage set in; Depression. This one lasted the longest. The feeling of being lost with a sadness and hopelessness cutting so deep, it almost vanished my existence. True, I had battled depression before. But this was different. It was more severe. It was abrupt & harsh. I spiraled down a dark abyss that no matter how much climbing I did, I couldn't get out. I felt gagged, bound and left for dead. I could see the world revolving around me, but somehow I remained in the same place, stuck in quicksand. I didn't have words, smiles, or laughter. My songs were gone with the wind. I was paralyzed in fear. I didn't know what to do, where to go or who to turn to who would understand my heartache. I was silent with God and with most of my family & friends. I was traumatized by a hurting present and confused by the unknown future.

The depression was much more than I could bear, but if not for God's strength, I surely would have died. He kept me together even when I thought I would lose my mind. Even when I thought I was undone. Even when I was disheartened, and hated being in my own skin. If not for my loving God, my dear mother, family & close friends... I surely would not be alive to tell my story.

I am now dealing with Acceptance. Yes, I have accepted he's gone, but I have not completely said my goodbyes. I'm holding on tight to a memory that knaws away at my insides. I still speak & dream of him often, think of him daily and ache to hold him again. Sometimes, I smile when no one is looking, daydreaming of little things he'd say or do, just to hear me laugh. I still haven't the slightest clue how to say goodbye. At what point do I let go and move on with my life? I am trying to let go, really I am. But when I find myself laughing more often or actually having a good day, the guilt sets in. The guilt of leaving him behind, of not deserving happiness without him. The guilt of living.

Coming out of my grief & depression, I am now in the shadow of that depression. I've been told that just before you're actually out of it, when you're more optimistic and actually want to live again, you fall back into the hole. Temporarily. The shadow pursues me wherever I go, imitating the sadness I've felt for so long, confusing me. It frightens me in thinking that I have taken several steps back. That I will fall into the darkness again and never be able to step into the light.

But God!

He is my strength & my comforter! He reminds me & I repeat to myself-  it is just a shadow. It is not real. It cannot hurt me anymore than what I've been hurt. I am a survivor. I've endured much in life, but this is the deepest heartache of them all. If I've survived this... I can survive anything! I am more than a conquerer! I am ... fearless!


© Aug 2012  Ellie Kings
Art: Desolation by Karen Koski

The Beating of my Heart

My poor Heart took a hard beating
Out in the winter cold
Surprisingly, he held onto dear life
He lay there bleeding in the wet snow
As I ran to lift him up
I heard him slow his beat
I thought for sure he wouldn't survive
From all the bruises and the hurt



He was rushed to Intensive care
Barely alive, but he survived
Unfortunately, he stayed in a deep sleep

In that coma God softly took his time to heal him
He didn't rush things because he knew my poor Heart needed time
Time to think of every moment he was happy
Time to reflect on all the heartaches he had lived through
Time to consider how far the journey had been
Time to appreciate the Love he had found

While my Heart lay there more than two years
Many thought he would never wake up
But they were wrong

One night when all was quiet
and the nurses were busy making rounds
My Heart slowly opened his eyes
Looking more peaceful than ever
He didn't ask how did he get there
He didn't ask how long he'd been sleeping
He simply asked, 'where is my Love?'

As I sat next to my poor Heart
I held his hand and dried his tears
I said, 'I'm sorry Heart, but Love died'
Confused he looked at me and smiled
'No it didn't; it just left for a little while
My Love will be back soon and I'll be patiently waiting'
I didn't argue with my Heart
After all, who better than him to know Love best

© July 2012 Ellie Kings

Painting: You still Live on in Us by Shawna Erback

Crossroads

Here I stand at the crossroads
under the pouring rain
what others have forgotten
I remember everyday

The world moves on without me
while I stand in the same place
these crossroads give me hope
to someday see your face


In another skin
in another dream
if just ...
for one more day

If but in a memory
of a love we once shared
let me keep you alive
until I'm nearly there

Until I'm ready
to set you free
even if it hurts
after all... me

Watch you fly away
let you go, wait and see
if you come back to these crossroads
one sunny day ... for me


 © 2011 Ellie Kings
In loving memory of my one true Love
Dec 20th 2009


Digital Photography by Zoe Marlowe