TODAY I CRIED

Today I cried.

I cried for all the things I could have done but have not finished yet. I cried for a Past I thought I let go, yet somehow draws me back.

Today I cried.

I cried for the Little things that mean so much and yet I take for granted. I cried for the Big things; the dreams I once had and still have not fulfilled.

Today I cried.

I cried for the childhood friends I left behind when innocence was blissful. I cried for the family who moved away to a place they called Better.

 

Today I cried. 

I cried for all the Good people... My Mentors, My Pastors, My Life coaches who came into my life for a Season. I also cried for all the Bad people... who God allowed to be my stumbling block, my brick wall, my Goliath. The ones that threw their stones without any kind of Reason.

Today I cried.

I cried for all the wonderful friendships I've lost along the Path to self discovery. I cried for those few men who loved me yet I could never reciprocate their love. I cried for all the men I believed in but never kept their promise nor honored their word. 

Today I cried.

I cried for that One Man who I will truly love forever; although he no longer walks this Earth. The Man who loved and defended every side of me... the Right and the Wrong. I cried for that Man who everyday reminded me that I was Beautiful... in the Moonlight, in the Daylight and every second in between.

Today I cried.

I cried for all the lonely nights I spend By myself and the stagnant days I spend With myself. I cried for a Future that is unknown; for a Possibility that might never be; for a Door that is still locked and somehow... somewhere I've lost the key.

Today I cried.

I cried for Me... For that shy and frightened little girl I used to be; for the confused teenager I left behind; writing down her dreams, anticipating her bright future and always wearing her Joy and Peace. I cried for that young woman's Broken heart and crushed spirit; watching the endless Sea of Disappointments, Sorrow and Despair as they washed up the shore... for even the depths of the ocean couldn't bury them.

Today I cried.

I cried for the child I will never bear and the family I will never call my own. I cried because through the Tears of Today; I realized something...

Tomorrow has Yet to come. 

All the heartaches in life could never equal to all the Valuable Lessons learned. I might not be where I thought I'd be in life Today, but I am still Thankful to be Alive. And when the time comes, my clock stands still and I head toward my final Resting place, I will honestly admit...

It was not the Life I would have chosen for myself, nor did I treasure every second of my days; but One thing I can be certain of, Without a doubt... I Never walked Alone. Because the Lover of my Soul held my hand All the Way.  Tomorrow... I will Smile again.

© 2017 By Ellie Kings

All Rights Reserved

A Little Life

As we walk into another year of the 21st century, I am reminded that life can be so fleeting. Many of the living are left behind to endure the painful loss of loved ones year after year.  Death is certain.  When your clock tells the stop-time, there is no cheating death.

During the 19th century, German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said some very wise words that have transcended time.        

 "Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death." 

If we find that we are born a little each day and die a little each night, maybe we'll be conscious enough not to take life for granted and enjoy every day as if it were our last. 

Burying another year and welcoming the New Year 2014, I must say, I'm impacted by some of last year's deaths, more notably Paul Walker and Nelson Mandela. 

The Chicago Tribune stated that no drugs or alcohol were found in the body of actor Paul Walker after a fiery car crash killed him and a friend in November. But they were traveling at 'an unsafe speed, approximately 100+ mph' (according to a coroner's report)


As one who enjoys speeding from time to time, I'm not one to judge. But I am sadden by the loss of a talented young actor who I'm sure, to his family and friends, left more that the "Fast and Furious" blockbuster movies.

Most of you, who have lost a loved one, are aware that death is surreal. Death doesn't play favorites. It took over three years for me to say the words, "I can breathe again." And just when I was learning to breathe again, death knocked on my father's door, taking him away at almost sixty years old.

The loss of a loved one can be devastating, no matter if it's a sudden death or a long drawn-out one. I would be lying if I said the hurt is the same with each death. I believe after a few losses your heart goes numb, not necessarily feeling nothing, but more like learning to survive with all of its punches. Grief knocks the wind out of you and usually we aren't sure if to breathe or to cry out. But when we do catch our breath, we think back on all of the time we spent not living.

Our loved ones wouldn't have wanted us to curl up and die with them. On the contrary, they'd want us to live, to breathe, to dance, to sing, to dream and to believe that there is a purpose even in death. Even if we never know the answers to the 'why's'.

Nelson Mandela also dying in 2013 'never wavered in his devotion to democracy, equality and learning. Despite terrible provocation, he never answered racism with racism. His life has been an inspiration to all who are oppressed and deprived. While facing the death penalty his words to the court at the end of his famous ‘Speech from the Dock’ on 20 April 1964 became immortalized:'

“I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if need be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.”

Mandela, like Walker and our loved ones, left behind a legacy, whether big or small. Let us take the time to honor them and our loved ones by keeping their memory and our spirits alive. 

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." Deut.30:19

With this new year comes new possibilities, new hopes and new goals. Let us learn to leave the past in the past and grasp tightly the reins of the future. Let us learn to live and breathe again because merely existing is not an option. We are survivors of loss, sadness and grief. Though, a New day emerges. And it brings with it life and death. Choose Life!


Copyright © 2014 Ellie Kings All Rights Reserved
References: Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker

25 Twenty Five Years with God

This is a very special October for me. I am celebrating two anniversaries. My second anniversary here in the state of Rhode Island and my 25th Anniversary with the Lord.

It's amazing that I stayed this long in a place where I was just stopping by for two weeks. It goes to show how our plans are not always God's purposes. But I am grateful to God for guiding my every step, especially during a time when I was blinded by sorrow. The Lord has been very good to me. He surely loves the way I love to love; passionately, unconditionally and intensely. It must be why we are called his children.

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."         Proverbs 19:21

I can still remember the day I accepted the Son of God as my Savior. I was barely sixteen, sweet, innocent and very naïve mind you. Fortunately, the Lord took my hand all the way and my heart was inclined to His Word and not man's.

The baby steps were difficult, but very important. I stumbled many times in the beginning because I wanted to run when I still crawled. I held religion close to heart, obeying His Word at each letter. Now that I've grown more in the Lord, I've come to understand it is not about religion, but about a wonderful relationship with our heavenly father. For you must know, we no longer live under the law but under the grace of God.

As the years passed, I'm very pleased to say I was 'convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, would be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Jesus our Lord'. (Romans 8:38-39)

Yet, I learned there are times when the weak say we are strong, but don't necessarily feel it. We lose hope and our faith diminishes. The struggles and scars in the battles of life leave us breathless. And sometimes we walk away from God, not realizing leaving Him behind is the worst mistake we could possibly make. We try it our way for a while and when we notice it doesn't work without the Lord in the equation, we come back to Him. If you've been here at any point in your life, then you know that it only takes one prayer to get back into God's good graces. The good thing is He doesn't hold a grudge. He will love you even when it looks like He doesn't. He will love you even when you've left him a dozen times or betrayed him a hundred more.

If you don't remember anything else in life, remember this: The Lord is a very loving Father. There will always be room at his house for you. He will always gather you with loving kindness and tender mercies. Don't give up or disappear on Him cause He hasn't given up on you.

To read the words to this poetry/spoken word piece, go directly to my YouTube channel. © 2013 Ellie Kings

Dry Land

Dip Me in His Blood

Alone without my Words

When I'm alone, I think...
of many things keeping me up at night
Wonderful words waking me in the early hour 
I toss and turn as they slip away, out of reach
In my dreams, sitting at the edge of the shore
Waiting for them to return to me
The wind is fierce, it hits my face and I can't breathe
The fog has come and I can't see
Where are the words that made me speak?
I can almost touch them, but they wither back to sea.

And I sit alone without my words
Without my poems, without my songs, without my speech.

I miss my words.
Come back to me...

© September 2012 Ellie Kings
Art by David Revoy

The Shadow of Depression

Many of you know I suffered the loss of my one true Love in December 2009, but what some don't know is that my mourning turned into severe depression because of it. I've gone through four of the five stages of Grief and am currently in my last one.

The first was Denial. I couldn't believe that my best friend and love of my life was gone... truly gone... forever. That I would never see his beautiful smile again, never hear his contagious laughter, never feel his arms cradling me to sleep. I thought it was a horrible nightmare I'd wake up from the next morning and everything I knew to be true, would be exactly how I left it the night before. That he'd wake me with a morning kiss, tell me how much he loved me for the millionth time and all would be right with our world. I waited many months for that day to come, but it never arrived.

My world was turned upside down. I had lost my Love and with him our home, the one place I felt safe. I lost the things that furnished our lives decorating our hearts with care. And from there I stepped into Anger. I was angry at myself for not being able to stop his death. I was angry at him for leaving me so soon, thinking we'd grow old together. And I was angry at God for taking him from me. I, soon, made peace with myself, with him and with God but not before wishing my own death to be with my Love. A few months after the anger, I moved onto Bargaining.

I bargained with God to take my life for his. To bring him back to his loved ones, to take their pain away. Maybe if I had prayed more, fasted more often, dedicated my life to helping more. Maybe if we had not moved away or stayed closer to family, maybe I could've prevented it somehow. So many whys and so many maybes.

As the days & months passed the fourth stage set in; Depression. This one lasted the longest. The feeling of being lost with a sadness and hopelessness cutting so deep, it almost vanished my existence. True, I had battled depression before. But this was different. It was more severe. It was abrupt & harsh. I spiraled down a dark abyss that no matter how much climbing I did, I couldn't get out. I felt gagged, bound and left for dead. I could see the world revolving around me, but somehow I remained in the same place, stuck in quicksand. I didn't have words, smiles, or laughter. My songs were gone with the wind. I was paralyzed in fear. I didn't know what to do, where to go or who to turn to who would understand my heartache. I was silent with God and with most of my family & friends. I was traumatized by a hurting present and confused by the unknown future.

The depression was much more than I could bear, but if not for God's strength, I surely would have died. He kept me together even when I thought I would lose my mind. Even when I thought I was undone. Even when I was disheartened, and hated being in my own skin. If not for my loving God, my dear mother, family & close friends... I surely would not be alive to tell my story.

I am now dealing with Acceptance. Yes, I have accepted he's gone, but I have not completely said my goodbyes. I'm holding on tight to a memory that knaws away at my insides. I still speak & dream of him often, think of him daily and ache to hold him again. Sometimes, I smile when no one is looking, daydreaming of little things he'd say or do, just to hear me laugh. I still haven't the slightest clue how to say goodbye. At what point do I let go and move on with my life? I am trying to let go, really I am. But when I find myself laughing more often or actually having a good day, the guilt sets in. The guilt of leaving him behind, of not deserving happiness without him. The guilt of living.

Coming out of my grief & depression, I am now in the shadow of that depression. I've been told that just before you're actually out of it, when you're more optimistic and actually want to live again, you fall back into the hole. Temporarily. The shadow pursues me wherever I go, imitating the sadness I've felt for so long, confusing me. It frightens me in thinking that I have taken several steps back. That I will fall into the darkness again and never be able to step into the light.

But God!

He is my strength & my comforter! He reminds me & I repeat to myself-  it is just a shadow. It is not real. It cannot hurt me anymore than what I've been hurt. I am a survivor. I've endured much in life, but this is the deepest heartache of them all. If I've survived this... I can survive anything! I am more than a conquerer! I am ... fearless!


© Aug 2012  Ellie Kings
Art: Desolation by Karen Koski

The Beating of my Heart

My poor Heart took a hard beating
Out in the winter cold
Surprisingly, he held onto dear life
He lay there bleeding in the wet snow
As I ran to lift him up
I heard him slow his beat
I thought for sure he wouldn't survive
From all the bruises and the hurt



He was rushed to Intensive care
Barely alive, but he survived
Unfortunately, he stayed in a deep sleep

In that coma God softly took his time to heal him
He didn't rush things because he knew my poor Heart needed time
Time to think of every moment he was happy
Time to reflect on all the heartaches he had lived through
Time to consider how far the journey had been
Time to appreciate the Love he had found

While my Heart lay there more than two years
Many thought he would never wake up
But they were wrong

One night when all was quiet
and the nurses were busy making rounds
My Heart slowly opened his eyes
Looking more peaceful than ever
He didn't ask how did he get there
He didn't ask how long he'd been sleeping
He simply asked, 'where is my Love?'

As I sat next to my poor Heart
I held his hand and dried his tears
I said, 'I'm sorry Heart, but Love died'
Confused he looked at me and smiled
'No it didn't; it just left for a little while
My Love will be back soon and I'll be patiently waiting'
I didn't argue with my Heart
After all, who better than him to know Love best

© July 2012 Ellie Kings

Painting: You still Live on in Us by Shawna Erback

Crossroads

Here I stand at the crossroads
under the pouring rain
what others have forgotten
I remember everyday

The world moves on without me
while I stand in the same place
these crossroads give me hope
to someday see your face


In another skin
in another dream
if just ...
for one more day

If but in a memory
of a love we once shared
let me keep you alive
until I'm nearly there

Until I'm ready
to set you free
even if it hurts
after all... me

Watch you fly away
let you go, wait and see
if you come back to these crossroads
one sunny day ... for me


 © 2011 Ellie Kings
In loving memory of my one true Love
Dec 20th 2009


Digital Photography by Zoe Marlowe

If I were a Mother

I'll never be a mother to anyone
I won't get to see the ultrasound photo
I won't get to feel him growing inside
I won't know how it feels
to push him into this world

If I were a mother
I'd love him unconditionally
Knowing that he'll make mistakes
That it wouldn't matter to me
because after all he'd be my child



If I were a mother
I'd teach him the things I learned
I'd teach him to be a gentleman to a lady
I'd teach him to be an honest & faithful man
To know when to let his guard down
and let love in

If I were a mother
I'd know his weaknesses and his strengths
I'd give him security and shelter
I'd let him know that he could run to me
whenever he lost his way

If I were a mother
I'd teach him to be a wonderful man
But I won't be a mother
not to him or to her
They'll be a someone else's child
They'll be someone else's gift

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by Nancy Tillman

Just One More Day

There are times when I think back on what I had and wish I could relive those moments again. I think of him walking through the front door, giving me kisses and hugs, making me feel like a queen, as if he worshipped the ground I walked on.

I think of all those mornings I'd wake up and there he was, lying next to me with a smile... quietly tracing my face. I realized then he had watched over me as I slept, making me feel safe. As if all the monsters in my nightmares were fought off with his sweet love.

I wish I could turn back time and extend those seconds with him. Moments that were just for us. The alone moments, the together moments, the sweet nothing moments, the long walk moments, the deep talk moments. All those little, and yet monumental moments that are now priceless. Seconds, minutes, hours... wonderful memories that today I wouldn't trade for a million dollars.

It's amazing how little we cherish those moments when we do have them.

If I could have one day filled with all those precious moments... I'd be happy... even if it was for just -one more day.


© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by Joey Remmers

Dear God

Dear Abba
i have no where to hide
no where to run
but inside
the palm of your hand
the only place i feel safe
where the world is quiet
where each breath i take
is exhaled  by you



Abba
i feel lost
and i wanted to tell you
in case you hadn't noticed
maybe you were too busy
to hear your daughter's cry

Dear Adonai
have you left me
today i cannot find you
even though i've tried
come back, be near me
and stay with me awhile
i'm not strong enough Adonai
to face another day
to win another battle
to wear this heavy coat

Abba
can you hear me
from the throne you're in
or are you too far away
i just wanted to tell you
i need you more than ever
i can't do this on my own
please don't leave me today
stay with me until tomorrow

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art in google images

Me Isn't Here Anymore

I don't recognize Me
Me isn't here anymore
not in the house
not in the mirror
not in the inside of my soul



before the mirror
I only see
a stranger that replaced Me

I wish I could tell her to leave
that I don't need her anymore
her presence makes me uncomfortable
I wish she walked out the door

but she doesn't want to leave
she taunts me everyday
she makes me sad
she makes me angry
she takes my smile away

she robs me of the laughter
I had long ago
she steals my peace
she steals my grace
she stole who I was before

someday I will say to her
exactly what she needs to know
that I hate who she has made Me
that she's not welcomed anymore

that tomorrow will be the day
when she finally walks out the door
then I'll look in the mirror
I will see Me once more

and Me will be ... Beautiful


© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by James Knowles

To Conquer Somewhere Else

my tongue is tied, I cannot speak
but if I could, I'd surely scream
out to the four winds... why?
why did you take him from my life?
before I got the chance to say
all my heart needed to say
that nothing else mattered more
than the love we had for each other

I didn't get to say goodbye
that word wasn't alive in our lives
I wonder did I show him love
did he know where my heart belong
did he know he didn't have to buy my heart
I'd hand it over free of charge
carefully, I'd cut it out
and tell him, "Love, here's my heart"
knowing him, he'd ask "why me?"
because he's the one God chose for me
because his flaws my eyes didn't see
for in them love runs wild and free

I'd tell him, I love you more
just the way you truly are
full of unconditional love
going the distance for my hugs
taking snapshots of my smiles
traveling the extra mile

I learned much from his walk
he taught me to stand strong and tall
he said, "get back up when you fall"
he said, "forgiveness tears down walls"
he was a soldier all the way
his armor tailored by God's hands
He took him home on that day
so he could conquer somewhere else


© 2010 Ellie Kings
Art by Jeff Haynie

The Girl who Lost Her Voice

there once was a little girl who lost her voice...

she searched for it in the oceans
she searched for it in the rivers
she searched above mountains
and through low valleys
but she couldn't find her voice
the little girl was lost in the forest of despair
and went searching for help
she spoke with a man and asked if he had seen her voice
but the man replied, "only you could find it"

she spoke to a woman

then a boy and a girl
but they all replied, "only you could find it"
the little girl walked back home in tears
because she couldn't find her voice
and with every step came a deeper sigh
'if only i could find it, i'd never let it go'
was all she cried

she climbed the stairs, opened the front door
sat on the chair, hands on her face
when she finally wiped her tears
she looked up and saw her voice

it was there,
just where she left it
it had been Home
all along


©2011 Ellie Kings
Art by Morteza Katouzian

Just One Word

How do you say what you need to say, when you can't find the words to say?

Today, is a hard day for me. Not because it's a special day but because it isn't. It's not an anniversary or a birthday or even a holiday (that I can think of). It's just another day. Another day without him. What do you say when you need to say so much, but nothing and everything seems to weigh on your heart?

Yet I write...

I write because I have to push myself to say ... something. Even if it's nothing. I write because the words are there, but I have to pull them slowly from inside- as if they're hanging at the end of a rope, hidden inside my heart (or mind) and it takes all of my strength to rescue them. Because I don't want them to die. Because I love words. They say so much. To think, that just one word can say much more than one can ever dream of.

Think of it. Think of one word. And then think of all the stories you can create with just that one word. Today, I think of "peace". Tomorrow - "hope". The day after that- "dream". There are so many beautiful words in the world. All I have to do is think of one. Each day. Every day. And just maybe, I'll be able to make stories out of all the beautiful words that I've been privileged in knowing. One day, I'll be able to open the door to a world of possibilities.

Today, I might just have only one word that I can think of, but tomorrow, that one word will be a story that will be written on the pages of a book.

Someday...


Other Links to follow:
Alone without My Words
Rescuing the Words

   

© 2011 Ellie Kings

Art: Forced Emotion by Lizzie Prusaczyk

A Lesson from Ant

essContinuing the lesson from Wednesday's post, I'm allowing God to heal me through Nature.

An army of ants worked all throughout the day, traveling back and forth to get pieces of food to take back to their colony. They're so tiny, yet the wisdom they possess amazes me. They work together, united strong, so that in the end- none of them should want for nothing.

I smiled watching two of them communicate with each other, as they carried their food. The piece of meal that seemed like a speck to me was apparently too heavy for one of them to carry, so she asked for help. I could just imagine their chat, "Hey, you think you could help me carry this, it's too much for me to bear."  "Sure thing, no problem." Amazingly, I watched as the other one helped her carry the tiny piece of bread, at least, I thought it looked like bread.

Just like Spider (Wednesday's post), I've also learned from Ant. She wasn't too proud to ask for help when she was carrying a load twice her size. She struggled at first on her own, but then realized she couldn't do it on her own. Ant could've said it one of two ways; calmly "I need help with this load, could you do me the favor and lend a hand?" or wailing, "Please, help me! I really can't carry this one on my own. I need help!" 

But what if she hadn't asked for help, what would've happened? I'm no expert on ants. Maybe, another would've helped voluntarily but on the other hand, would she have been stuck there on her own? 

I admire Ant. She and her friends are no more different than us. We, too, carry a heavy load on a daily basis. The question is, are we too proud to ask for help when we need it? Do we wait there with a bleeding heart until someone volunteers to help along the way?

Take a moment to reflect upon all that you carry and ask yourself if you need help. Then ask your family or a good friend. Sometimes they might surprise you.  I'll admit that when I lost my other half, the last thing I wanted was someone to help. All I wanted was him. I wanted to bury myself in his clothes, his things, his love. But that wouldn't have been healthy for me, so like Ant I finally screamed, "I need help! I really can't do this on my own."

And I got the help from my family as well, as from you. I just wanted to say, thanks again for being there and for being the ear to a voice that's trying to come back to me.

If I haven't said it lately, I really do love having you all as my friends.

Apparently, God thinks Ant is important too.
"Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." Proverbs 6: 6-8
{a little harsh, but a powerful message}


© 2010 Ellie Kings
Italics from my Journal

Art in Google images

A Lesson from Spider

For a few weeks now, I've been keeping a close eye on a small spider that builds her home outside on the porch. It uses the plants that are hanging above the railing to construct her home, connecting her web from one plant to the other. I noticed her the more when my younger brother and his wife watched as she weaved her web one night.

Spider is brilliant and all so very patient. The heavy rains and loud wind have knocked down her beautiful home many times, but she continues to rebuild it. I'm learning a valuable lesson from Spider and her untouchable patience.

Hurricane Earl hit this week and it brought with it storms of rain and furious winds, though it didn't do too much damage. I'm getting used to the rain. It seems it rains even in my dreams.

I enjoy Puerto Rico. My heart feels less heavy here, besides it's nice to be on an island that keeps well-guarded the secret of the Rain dancing around the Sun.

Hurricane Earl came close- the next morning there were branches everywhere; the trees were wet and droopy. The winds blew the tarp above the aluminum table into the bushes of the garden. The dogs barked through the night, a little more than usual. But their bark was also blown with the wind.

It was a rough night, not only for the animals in the barn but for me, as well. Amazingly, indoors was very quiet. The electricity was out. And in the silence of the night, I could hear a mosquito flying around in my room; at least I thought it was a mosquito. One can never tell with so many little critters that roam the night, including spiders. But I've especially grown fond of this spider.

A few days later, after the hurricane passed, I remembered Spider. I thought for sure she and her home were washed away with the storm. But I was wrong. I don't know where she hid or how she survived, but I do know one thing, she was still alive.

I had just stepped outside to welcome the evening splendor. The sky wore a stunning pink and blue dress. It was absolutely breath-taking. As I sipped my afternoon coffee, my eyes scanned the green of the mountain tops in all their glory, when I saw her- my tiny Spider, my inspiration, my little hope.

As fragile as she seems, Spider has taught me a most needed lesson in life. She's small but tough and hard-working. She never gives up or loses hope, even when storms and hurricanes hit and destroy her home. She hides when she needs to take cover, but faces the day after the storm. She pursues her dream of having a good home, even if she has to rebuild it over and over again. And when she does rebuild, Spider builds it even bigger than the last. Once she's done, it's no longer a house but a mansion. I watched her weaving her web endlessly and never stopped until she was completely finished. Wow! Now that's an impressive lesson.

I should walk with Spider more often, be more like her, keep rebuilding again and again when the storms of life tear down my home and wash it away. I should hold onto my faith, hide when I need to take cover and face the day after the storm. My next home will surely be bigger than the last, God willing.




© 2010 Ellie Kings
Excerpt from my Journal

Art 'Spider Fairy' by the talented Ria Spencer. Please visit her blog to see more amazing paintings.
 Ria's Fine Art Studio

Sunshine in the Dark

This New Year has brought with it a mix of emotions; a new hope, a breath of air, a ray of sunshine. I miss my sweetheart, though somehow I feel comforted; most days anyway. Everyday I convince myself that he really is gone, that I have to learn to live again, and learn to smile once more.


I never imagined a world without him, and since he left, my life hasn't been the same. Who's going to finish my sentences and read my thoughts? Who's going to bring me coffee in the mornings or take care of me when I'm sick? Who's going to make me laugh when I'm sad or make me cry with a birthday card? Who's going to hug me while I'm doing the dishes or give me morning kisses? Who's going to motivate me to continue writing or listen to my new song?


His nurturing love was priceless. His contagious laugh was unforgettable. His old soul was unique. I shall never forget him or the way he made me feel, truly loved.


This New Year I dedicate it to him. I vow to remember who he was as a human being and as my best friend. I vow to do what I must do to continue the fight and learn to live with purpose. I vow to allow God to continue doing what He does best, make miracles. Because it's going to take a miracle to heal from this one.


I want to thank each one of you who have kept in touch this past year, who have taken a moment from busy schedules to let me know you care. Thank you for your sweet words and cyber hugs. I want to thank my family and friends for encouraging me, for crying with me and for reminding me that I'm still needed here. I want to thank my Daddy, God, for staying close to me, holding my hand and gently leading me out of the dark.

God bless you all dearly,

Ellie

PS. If I should sound morbid at any given time, please remind me of my vows.

Love's Death

sometimes it's hard to breathe

why can't i just break free?

be all alone and cry

'till the last tear has dried

until my heart feels less heavy

'till my chest doesn't hurt

until the waters have washed

the fear of being cursed

... of never being happy

of losing all my hope

of needing and not having

of loving and what for?

i know God isn't cruel

but this feels cruel to me 

maybe it's a joke 

and the joke is on me

Love's death is surreal

he isn't going to return

he's really gone forever

and forever seems too long

Love forgot to say goodbye

as I remain waiting

he went missing through the night

and i didn't even know it

wasn't he among friends?

who was his enemy?

who swiped his life away

and caved a hole this deep

Love took his last breath

as he lay there bleeding

and written in his blood

was the love of God and me

you're free, my sweet Love

don't worry about me

God will sit by my bed 

until i've fallen asleep

until i've stopped humming our song

'till i've stepped into my dreams

when you're alive again

when you're alive with me

where your death is the dream

and the dream is what's real

when you're no longer asleep

and your heartbeat i hear

let me stay here, sweet Love

for a little while longer

let me sing to you again

and hold you in my arms

show you that i love you

see your eyes once more

tell you that i've missed you

that your death is all wrong

...come back... don't leave

i can't wake up now

to the light and the truth 

that my Love is truly gone

let me stay here in your world

where the wind blows free

in our garden of white roses

let's relive our memories

by Ellie Kings

copyright May 2010

art by Allyson Ricketts