TODAY I CRIED

Today I cried.

I cried for all the things I could have done but have not finished yet. I cried for a Past I thought I let go, yet somehow draws me back.

Today I cried.

I cried for the Little things that mean so much and yet I take for granted. I cried for the Big things; the dreams I once had and still have not fulfilled.

Today I cried.

I cried for the childhood friends I left behind when innocence was blissful. I cried for the family who moved away to a place they called Better.

 

Today I cried. 

I cried for all the Good people... My Mentors, My Pastors, My Life coaches who came into my life for a Season. I also cried for all the Bad people... who God allowed to be my stumbling block, my brick wall, my Goliath. The ones that threw their stones without any kind of Reason.

Today I cried.

I cried for all the wonderful friendships I've lost along the Path to self discovery. I cried for those few men who loved me yet I could never reciprocate their love. I cried for all the men I believed in but never kept their promise nor honored their word. 

Today I cried.

I cried for that One Man who I will truly love forever; although he no longer walks this Earth. The Man who loved and defended every side of me... the Right and the Wrong. I cried for that Man who everyday reminded me that I was Beautiful... in the Moonlight, in the Daylight and every second in between.

Today I cried.

I cried for all the lonely nights I spend By myself and the stagnant days I spend With myself. I cried for a Future that is unknown; for a Possibility that might never be; for a Door that is still locked and somehow... somewhere I've lost the key.

Today I cried.

I cried for Me... For that shy and frightened little girl I used to be; for the confused teenager I left behind; writing down her dreams, anticipating her bright future and always wearing her Joy and Peace. I cried for that young woman's Broken heart and crushed spirit; watching the endless Sea of Disappointments, Sorrow and Despair as they washed up the shore... for even the depths of the ocean couldn't bury them.

Today I cried.

I cried for the child I will never bear and the family I will never call my own. I cried because through the Tears of Today; I realized something...

Tomorrow has Yet to come. 

All the heartaches in life could never equal to all the Valuable Lessons learned. I might not be where I thought I'd be in life Today, but I am still Thankful to be Alive. And when the time comes, my clock stands still and I head toward my final Resting place, I will honestly admit...

It was not the Life I would have chosen for myself, nor did I treasure every second of my days; but One thing I can be certain of, Without a doubt... I Never walked Alone. Because the Lover of my Soul held my hand All the Way.  Tomorrow... I will Smile again.

© 2017 By Ellie Kings

All Rights Reserved

White as Snow

(Response to Maria's Post on Life Lessons)

Years ago while living alone in NYC, I was invited to dinner at a new friend's house. She had a wonderful husband, three lovely children, one small dog, and three cats, all living under a small roof.  While I, on the other hand, had no one; no husband, no children, no pets... absolutely no one to love and no one that loved me.  Was I jealous? Of course!  But I knew my time would come one day.  Little did I know that it would start on that day.

While she finished dinner, I made myself comfortable playing with her kids, and watching her pets.  Immediately, an adorable white kitten with sorrowful, green eyes walked up to me.  I thought she was very unique.  I mentioned how lovely she was as she crawled up on my lap, wanting her fur stroked.  My friend said, "Isn't she pretty? Sad thing is, I found her in a box just outside my door.  Apparently, someone terrorized her by pouring pink paint all over her.  I bathed her and cut away the paint.  You should have seen her then, she was so frightened."  As I listened, I was shocked at such cruelty.

"She's taken a liking to you," my friend said, "you know I'm looking for a home for her."  "As you can see, I have plenty to take care of; do you want her?"

I never really had a pet growing up, so I didn't know much about them, especially cats.  I paused, "What's her name?" "Snowball" she said.  After much thought, I told her I would take her, but that I would shorten her name to Snow.  "It suits her" my friend smiled.  I took her home with me that very night.

When I got home, I was unsure if I had made the right decision.  Snow looked around, walking through the entire apartment, finally making herself at home, on a corner of the leather couch.  She reminded me more of a dog;  waiting everyday by the door.  It took me a few months to get used to her.  I'd find her white hair everywhere! Especially on my black clothes.  She clawed at every furniture piece I had.  She'd climb up on the table, dressers, kitchen cabinets and take her long naps there.  Sometimes she'd even watch me sleep.  It was a little creepy.  Until that one day, that changed everything.
 
I remember coming home after a hard day at work.  All the stress of everything going wrong in my life had piled up on my heart and weighed me down.  Closing the door behind me, I fell to my knees and sobbed.  I prayed to God for strength, for a companion, and forgiveness for all that I had done wrong in life.  I asked Him to wash my sins away, quoting His word,  '... though my sins are as scarlet, let them be white as snow; though they are like crimson, let them be like wool.'  Isaiah 1:18
 
As I repeated the words, Snow leaned up on me, and caressed me while I was still on the floor.  My prayer was interrupted by this tiny piece of God's love.  I looked up at Snow with tears in my eyes and smiled.  I realized then, that she was no coincidence.  Her torture had been my torture.  Her sorrow had been my sorrow.  Snow was the loving gift God gave me, just to remind me that I was in His thoughts, that He had already washed my sins away and made them white as snow.
 
 
What has God given you to remind you that you're in His thoughts?