Can You Hear Me?

Our burden is heavy.  Our baggage weighs much.  The things that once made us laugh no longer do.  We walk the path of the heavy laden.  We carry burdens that keep us bound.  We suppress anger.  We walk into our dark room and shut the door behind.  We seek relief, but relief doesn't live here anymore.   

The prayer wick is dimming.  The candle is almost out and fear creeps in just like it did before.  You know, when we were younger and were afraid of the dark. When we were naïve and didn't know the boogie-man wasn't real. When we felt helpless and utterly alone with no one to save us from darkness. 


Now that we're all grown up, should we still be afraid of the dark?  Should we still feel helpless?


These were my thoughts when I was fighting depression a few years back.  I couldn't understand how a cheerful, bubbly person like me could go from bouncing off walls and slaying dragons, so to speak, to staring out my window with a dazed look on my face.  It was as if I was hypnotized.  I could actually see myself floating over my body, yelling at myself, "Wake up! Wake up! Get out of the dark! You have much to do! You have to live!"  But I was deaf to my own voice. 


As the months went by, I grew lethargic and weary.  My muscles ached all the time.  I couldn't sleep at night and had difficulty getting out of bed during the day.  I suffered crying spells, migraines, anxiety, loss of appetite, and couldn't concentrate on anything.  I wanted to crawl in a hole and simply die.  I didn't want to end it myself, but I did welcome death with open arms.


Silence choked my voice.  My song died.  My dance slumped.  All I wanted to do was scream!!! with every fiber of my soul.  Scream!!! loud enough until my voice was heard.  Scream!!! until I returned to me.  But no one heard and no one cared.  They were all too busy to really see.
  

Still my soul peeked out through tiny windows of my eyes, my hands on the bars of my prison and whispered in anguish...

...Can you hear me?  ... Can you hear me?

Have you been here?  When the burdens feel too heavy to carry? When your voice is not heard?  When you search for rest but can't seem to find it?  If you listen closely, you'll understand that the Lord wants to exchange our burdens for his yoke.  


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Mat 11:28-30 NIV 


When I traveled that path, if nothing else, all I heard was the Word of God resonating in my ears.  His comforting words speaking life back into me.  He breathed his peace over me, everyday...slowly... until I actually felt him close once more.  Until He had become Real to me again. 

When you find yourself lost in darkness and can't seem to find your way back, allow Him to walk you back into the light.  Allow Him to breathe life back into you.  And understand that even if no one else hears you when your soul screams out or simply whispers... Can you hear me?  God hears... He knows... He sees. 


Copyright © 2009 Ellie Kings 
Photo by Joseph Hicklin
Art by Alexandra Louie and Bill Stephens

White as Snow

(Response to Maria's Post on Life Lessons)

Years ago while living alone in NYC, I was invited to dinner at a new friend's house. She had a wonderful husband, three lovely children, one small dog, and three cats, all living under a small roof.  While I, on the other hand, had no one; no husband, no children, no pets... absolutely no one to love and no one that loved me.  Was I jealous? Of course!  But I knew my time would come one day.  Little did I know that it would start on that day.

While she finished dinner, I made myself comfortable playing with her kids, and watching her pets.  Immediately, an adorable white kitten with sorrowful, green eyes walked up to me.  I thought she was very unique.  I mentioned how lovely she was as she crawled up on my lap, wanting her fur stroked.  My friend said, "Isn't she pretty? Sad thing is, I found her in a box just outside my door.  Apparently, someone terrorized her by pouring pink paint all over her.  I bathed her and cut away the paint.  You should have seen her then, she was so frightened."  As I listened, I was shocked at such cruelty.

"She's taken a liking to you," my friend said, "you know I'm looking for a home for her."  "As you can see, I have plenty to take care of; do you want her?"

I never really had a pet growing up, so I didn't know much about them, especially cats.  I paused, "What's her name?" "Snowball" she said.  After much thought, I told her I would take her, but that I would shorten her name to Snow.  "It suits her" my friend smiled.  I took her home with me that very night.

When I got home, I was unsure if I had made the right decision.  Snow looked around, walking through the entire apartment, finally making herself at home, on a corner of the leather couch.  She reminded me more of a dog;  waiting everyday by the door.  It took me a few months to get used to her.  I'd find her white hair everywhere! Especially on my black clothes.  She clawed at every furniture piece I had.  She'd climb up on the table, dressers, kitchen cabinets and take her long naps there.  Sometimes she'd even watch me sleep.  It was a little creepy.  Until that one day, that changed everything.
 
I remember coming home after a hard day at work.  All the stress of everything going wrong in my life had piled up on my heart and weighed me down.  Closing the door behind me, I fell to my knees and sobbed.  I prayed to God for strength, for a companion, and forgiveness for all that I had done wrong in life.  I asked Him to wash my sins away, quoting His word,  '... though my sins are as scarlet, let them be white as snow; though they are like crimson, let them be like wool.'  Isaiah 1:18
 
As I repeated the words, Snow leaned up on me, and caressed me while I was still on the floor.  My prayer was interrupted by this tiny piece of God's love.  I looked up at Snow with tears in my eyes and smiled.  I realized then, that she was no coincidence.  Her torture had been my torture.  Her sorrow had been my sorrow.  Snow was the loving gift God gave me, just to remind me that I was in His thoughts, that He had already washed my sins away and made them white as snow.
 
 
What has God given you to remind you that you're in His thoughts?

Wasted Time

Have you heard my cry Lord? Have you heard my prayer?
You probably haven’t heard me because I haven’t yelled
I haven’t stood on a mountain top on a bright sunny day
To ask you if you’re listening to a word I say

My cries have been quiet when I really want to scream
My voice is broken; I can barely speak
My mind is overwhelmed by painful yesterdays
The future seems unclear and so far away

Your promises and my faith have intertwined somehow
They both are locked away in a time capsule
I can’t reach it; buried deep with remorse and despair,
Failures and sorrows that I dare not tell

How are you Lord? You seem far away
I reach out but I can’t find you anywhere I stay
I know you haven’t left me; I’m just too blind to see
That I’ve wasted time living only for me

I’m still walking in circles like Israel, years ago
I’m living without purpose; no clue of where to go
I feel I’ve wasted my life on complete foolishness
Things that do not matter; excuses unexplained

There was a time I saw you for who you really were
My healer, my provider, my best friend after all
But today is a day much like many others
Darkness everywhere, lost without a compass

Can you hear me Lord? Can you hear my muffled wail?
Is it too late to try and attempt this once again?
Stumbling and falling are a part of who I am
But I know that you are the tower of my strength

If you can hear my cry Lord, please answer speedily
Please remember I am your daughter and I want to be free
You must be tired of hearing the same dull prayer
But I beg you have mercy, your servant lost her way

Help me to see things for what they really are
Help me to remember that I’m special in your eyes
That no matter the time wasted or the ups and downs of life
You always will forgive; forget past mistakes & sins

I’m still here my Lord, waiting for your answer
Don’t give up on me just yet, there’s so much I can do
You can still stretch the hour to repair the damage made
And slow time just a little so I can catch up with the rest

Be good to me my Lord, although I don’t deserve it
You know my heart is yours, though I may not always show it
I know the clock is ticking and time is passing by
This is why I am desperate for a fast reply

Lord, please give me more time so I can fix what I’ve done
To produce the fresh fruit that is growing deep inside
The gifts you’ve given me I’ll no longer take for granted
Just give me back …please…the precious time I’ve wasted


copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings

A Prayer at 3

At three in the morning, I'm awake while the rest of the world sleeps.  And at this hour, I  think not of myself but of others; others who might also be awake with me, who might need a prayer at 3.

• The woman on her way home from a long night out...struggling to get the key in her car, and  suddenly is raped by the faceless man
• The child that's locked in his closet trying not to hear his parents' screams again... more bruises than words
• The father sneaking into his little girl's bedroom not to kiss her goodnight but to take advantage of her sweet innocence
• The reformed alcoholic that's desparately trying not to have that 'one' drink
• The brave soldiers that are attacked at night by yet another devious enemy
• The country that sleeps through another night, not of a sudden economy crash, but of a ten decade famine 

These are some of the ugly stories of our wicked world, not only at 3am but at any given time.  The truths that we somehow deny or sweep under the rug, or hide in the skeleton closet.  These are the little things that no one dare speak of.  These are the cares of the world, but not of our world.  No... our world is perfect... filled with empty promises, misguided dillusions, and white lies...  the smile-painted faces we show our neighbors, the blind eyes that show no sign of remorse.

I invite you to share a moment of prayer for those who have a more distressed life than our own.  We are in the end (rather beginning) brothers and sisters.  So when you can't sleep at night and wonder about your own life and your own troubles, do yourself a favor, think of someone else's troubles and intercede for them with just a simple prayer of love.